Christian is home from the hospital.
Crazy week is over and now I have time to get more prepared for next week.
All in all, I think we're both feeling better.
There was something else I wanted to say...it escapes me.
Showing posts with label internship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label internship. Show all posts
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
What a Day
Maybe it's me, maybe it's the time of year, but I feel like I'm behind. I feel like I'm out of touch with people's expectations of me and falling short. Again and again.
Every year with school, I start out doing really well, trying really hard, and I succeed. Somewhere toward the middle to end of the school year, though, I get into a groove and by the end I am so worn out that I don't care anymore. Maybe it's just my pride, but I don't want to be known as a girl that does well in the beginning but doesn't follow through. Or someone that slacks and coasts. If I do that when I'm teaching, I'll never survive. The kids will never survive. I want to do more than survive. I want to thrive. I want to encourage and stimulate growth, not just prevent death.
Am I doing the same thing spiritually? Getting into a groove and coasting? I should be asking myself that question more often, I think. How am I challenging myself/trusting God more today than I did yesterday? How am I loving people more than I did yesterday?
I'm tired.
Christian's back in the hospital. Pneumonia, high fever, and abdominal pain. I've never been around during pneumonia season, but I've never seen him this sick. He doesn't seem himself. Doesn't even want to keep his eyes open to chat...Lord keep him safe tonight and may your will be done. Ease his pain, Father, it breaks my heart.
Every year with school, I start out doing really well, trying really hard, and I succeed. Somewhere toward the middle to end of the school year, though, I get into a groove and by the end I am so worn out that I don't care anymore. Maybe it's just my pride, but I don't want to be known as a girl that does well in the beginning but doesn't follow through. Or someone that slacks and coasts. If I do that when I'm teaching, I'll never survive. The kids will never survive. I want to do more than survive. I want to thrive. I want to encourage and stimulate growth, not just prevent death.
Am I doing the same thing spiritually? Getting into a groove and coasting? I should be asking myself that question more often, I think. How am I challenging myself/trusting God more today than I did yesterday? How am I loving people more than I did yesterday?
I'm tired.
Christian's back in the hospital. Pneumonia, high fever, and abdominal pain. I've never been around during pneumonia season, but I've never seen him this sick. He doesn't seem himself. Doesn't even want to keep his eyes open to chat...Lord keep him safe tonight and may your will be done. Ease his pain, Father, it breaks my heart.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
"In the Water...?"
I may have mentioned this before, but I thought I'd share a story.
Here I am, sitting in my classroom one morning by myself. The teacher that I work with is pregnant (due in September) and went to get another ultrasound the day before. Our aide just had a baby on March 27th or so. There's the context.
I'm working on the computer, getting ready for the day when one of the other aides from the building comes in. Now, I know her pretty well, but don't talk to her very often. It doesn't really matter that it was her, either, this is just an example. She comes in looking for my teacher because she wants to see how the ultrasound went. Since my teacher's not there, she says that she'll check back later.
Before she leaves, though, she says, "You'd better be careful, Jess. It's in the water."
Can pregnancy be, "in the water?" No.
Do I need to be careful? No, because according to the plan God designed in the beginning, sex should be the culminating intimacy between a man and his wife. I'm not married, therefore, not worried.
I just think it's interesting. That's not the first time I've been told to "be careful. It's in the water," either.
Here I am, sitting in my classroom one morning by myself. The teacher that I work with is pregnant (due in September) and went to get another ultrasound the day before. Our aide just had a baby on March 27th or so. There's the context.
I'm working on the computer, getting ready for the day when one of the other aides from the building comes in. Now, I know her pretty well, but don't talk to her very often. It doesn't really matter that it was her, either, this is just an example. She comes in looking for my teacher because she wants to see how the ultrasound went. Since my teacher's not there, she says that she'll check back later.
Before she leaves, though, she says, "You'd better be careful, Jess. It's in the water."
Can pregnancy be, "in the water?" No.
Do I need to be careful? No, because according to the plan God designed in the beginning, sex should be the culminating intimacy between a man and his wife. I'm not married, therefore, not worried.
I just think it's interesting. That's not the first time I've been told to "be careful. It's in the water," either.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
In Transition...
I seem to have left the blogging honeymoon stage....
It's really hard to believe that this semester is almost over. I have 4 weeks of my internship left. Three weeks of major lead-teaching. Wow. So far, I have completed my entire general education internship, 2 grad classes, and 3/4 of my special education internship and 2 more grad classes. In just four short weeks, I will have another notch in my belt.
In four short weeks college will be over for me, at least for awhile. It'll be time to apply for jobs, interview, and join the "real world" of the work force. True, it's the teacher work force, but it's still the work force (that just means that I get to hang out with kids most of the day instead of sitting in a cubicle). I need to start thinking about budgeting, insurance, bill paying, retirement, and what all of those acronyms in the profession mean. It's scary, but necessary.
Transitioning again...here we go!
It's really hard to believe that this semester is almost over. I have 4 weeks of my internship left. Three weeks of major lead-teaching. Wow. So far, I have completed my entire general education internship, 2 grad classes, and 3/4 of my special education internship and 2 more grad classes. In just four short weeks, I will have another notch in my belt.
In four short weeks college will be over for me, at least for awhile. It'll be time to apply for jobs, interview, and join the "real world" of the work force. True, it's the teacher work force, but it's still the work force (that just means that I get to hang out with kids most of the day instead of sitting in a cubicle). I need to start thinking about budgeting, insurance, bill paying, retirement, and what all of those acronyms in the profession mean. It's scary, but necessary.
Transitioning again...here we go!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
So much different....peace?
My last post, a little over a week ago, was all about being overwhelmed.
I went through a pretty rough week from that post until this past Monday. It was very overwhelming...there were some tears, but there were also nuggets of quiet. Nuggets of rest.
After Monday (after my two big projects were turned in), it felt like there was a weight off my shoulders. I don't know what it is...I'm teaching more. I really love it, though. I think because I busted my butt to get my lesson plans done ahead of time, it was easier to get through this week without going nuts. I also didn't have a lot to do for my classes. That helps. :-)
I'm almost ready for next week, too. :-)
science/social studies
reading
math
shared reading
Everything but writing and the story...
Pretty exciting. :-)
I had my mid-term evaluation today, too...all is well. :-)
Praise God for peace and rest. I'm off for some.
I went through a pretty rough week from that post until this past Monday. It was very overwhelming...there were some tears, but there were also nuggets of quiet. Nuggets of rest.
After Monday (after my two big projects were turned in), it felt like there was a weight off my shoulders. I don't know what it is...I'm teaching more. I really love it, though. I think because I busted my butt to get my lesson plans done ahead of time, it was easier to get through this week without going nuts. I also didn't have a lot to do for my classes. That helps. :-)
I'm almost ready for next week, too. :-)
science/social studies
reading
math
shared reading
Everything but writing and the story...
Pretty exciting. :-)
I had my mid-term evaluation today, too...all is well. :-)
Praise God for peace and rest. I'm off for some.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Overwhelmed
This next month is going to be killer. I am struggling with feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed. I can't seem to keep everything straight in my head that needs to be done and my time management stinks!
I am struggling with a fear of disappointing my CT and myself. I've talked with my CT about it, and she says that she will tell me if there is something that concerns her, and that I'm too hard on myself. I am. I know that. I always have been. But at the same time, I feel these high expectations burdening my heart. Are they expectations I have of myself, or those I am perceiving from her? In the past week I feel as though I have let someone down...whoever has those expectations. I have been disorganized, behind, unplanned, and generally scattered.
It doesn't help that I don't have internet at my house right now. Anything that I need to do on the internet I need to make sure I remember during the approximate 2 hour window that I schedule to go to either Panera or McDonald's. During the week I can use the internet at school, but not for everything.
How do I get more organized? How do I become more productive? How do I help my memory of everything that I need to do before I leave school on Thursdays in order to prepare for the next week? How am I ever going to be able to do this on my own? (I guess by trying to do it on my own, I will inevitably fail, as in every other thing, but I guess I don't know how to rely on God for these things...it's so different than college, than my own education...)
Needless to say, I'm a bit stressed. I'm trying to give it up, but it's hard. I'm trying to manage my time and stay on top of my assignments, but it's hard. I'm trying to give myself grace, but it's hard. This semester is so much better than last.
I am struggling with a fear of disappointing my CT and myself. I've talked with my CT about it, and she says that she will tell me if there is something that concerns her, and that I'm too hard on myself. I am. I know that. I always have been. But at the same time, I feel these high expectations burdening my heart. Are they expectations I have of myself, or those I am perceiving from her? In the past week I feel as though I have let someone down...whoever has those expectations. I have been disorganized, behind, unplanned, and generally scattered.
It doesn't help that I don't have internet at my house right now. Anything that I need to do on the internet I need to make sure I remember during the approximate 2 hour window that I schedule to go to either Panera or McDonald's. During the week I can use the internet at school, but not for everything.
How do I get more organized? How do I become more productive? How do I help my memory of everything that I need to do before I leave school on Thursdays in order to prepare for the next week? How am I ever going to be able to do this on my own? (I guess by trying to do it on my own, I will inevitably fail, as in every other thing, but I guess I don't know how to rely on God for these things...it's so different than college, than my own education...)
Needless to say, I'm a bit stressed. I'm trying to give it up, but it's hard. I'm trying to manage my time and stay on top of my assignments, but it's hard. I'm trying to give myself grace, but it's hard. This semester is so much better than last.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Randoms
Submission: one of two equals choosing to humble him/herself under the authority of the other person (placed by God) in order to bring glory to God. - my paraphrase of the sermon at the church I went to tonight.
Interesting thoughts.
On a completely different note, it's been a very long time since I've posted, although no one really reads anyway, this is more for me...
I've been slacking on writing in general recently. I used to journal a lot...that was normally in place of prayer/writing down my prayers. Now I've started praying more out loud. I don't really care if I look like an idiot talking to myself in my car on the way to/from work...I normally look like an idiot singing along with the radio anyway. ;-)
That cultivating stillness week was pretty awesome...I need to do that again. Cut myself off from the things that facilitate wasting time...
Another one of my friends got engaged. :-)
I love my new placement. I'm realizing that I can do this for a career. I'm finally in the field that I chose (well, the one that God chose for me), and I'm truly loving it. It's still a lot of work, but it's paying off. I'm learning a lot this semester already!
That's all. Forgive me for the lack of depth. :-P
Interesting thoughts.
On a completely different note, it's been a very long time since I've posted, although no one really reads anyway, this is more for me...
I've been slacking on writing in general recently. I used to journal a lot...that was normally in place of prayer/writing down my prayers. Now I've started praying more out loud. I don't really care if I look like an idiot talking to myself in my car on the way to/from work...I normally look like an idiot singing along with the radio anyway. ;-)
That cultivating stillness week was pretty awesome...I need to do that again. Cut myself off from the things that facilitate wasting time...
Another one of my friends got engaged. :-)
I love my new placement. I'm realizing that I can do this for a career. I'm finally in the field that I chose (well, the one that God chose for me), and I'm truly loving it. It's still a lot of work, but it's paying off. I'm learning a lot this semester already!
That's all. Forgive me for the lack of depth. :-P
Sunday, December 9, 2007
"update"
Some of my friends from summer project asked me for an update, and how I was doing. This is what I came up with. After reading it through again, I realized that it is a pretty good update on how this semester has been for me, and what I have learned. I thought I would share it here, too. (does anyone even read this? lol...I guess if nothing else, it'll be for me to look back on down the line.)
Here is a summary of my first semester of student teaching:
"Time sure has flown.
This semester has been really hard. There are so many days that I don't even realize how hard it is because I'm getting used to it. I don't really like that feeling, though.
Being away from college, the atmosphere, the community, the fellowship of believers that have the same foundation as I do, even the ability to only be taking 12 credits of classes...that's been hard.
Student teaching has been hard, too, because I'm in a general education class (and I don't want to teach general education!) Next semester I'll be in a deaf education classroom, which excites me. :-) My students are really tough, a lot of issues. They are pretty typical of the inner city (not to put anyone in a box, but that gives you some idea of what my students face - minimal parent involvement, broken homes, unemployment, no real push for school work, etc).
I miss friends. I miss Crusade and the depth of study and relationship I learned there.
I've learned a lot. I've learned how to let God into my day as a teacher, how to make more decisions than I can count about things I never thought I would need to decide for another human being (i.e. whether or not they can "hold it" or if they need to "use it" right now). I'm learning how to pray. I'm pretty bad at it, but I'm learning that it's CRUCIAL for me to get through the day. I'm learning how to teach (I suppose...), and how to learn. I'm also learning how hard it is to balance work and school and any type of social life. "
Here is a summary of my first semester of student teaching:
"Time sure has flown.
This semester has been really hard. There are so many days that I don't even realize how hard it is because I'm getting used to it. I don't really like that feeling, though.
Being away from college, the atmosphere, the community, the fellowship of believers that have the same foundation as I do, even the ability to only be taking 12 credits of classes...that's been hard.
Student teaching has been hard, too, because I'm in a general education class (and I don't want to teach general education!) Next semester I'll be in a deaf education classroom, which excites me. :-) My students are really tough, a lot of issues. They are pretty typical of the inner city (not to put anyone in a box, but that gives you some idea of what my students face - minimal parent involvement, broken homes, unemployment, no real push for school work, etc).
I miss friends. I miss Crusade and the depth of study and relationship I learned there.
I've learned a lot. I've learned how to let God into my day as a teacher, how to make more decisions than I can count about things I never thought I would need to decide for another human being (i.e. whether or not they can "hold it" or if they need to "use it" right now). I'm learning how to pray. I'm pretty bad at it, but I'm learning that it's CRUCIAL for me to get through the day. I'm learning how to teach (I suppose...), and how to learn. I'm also learning how hard it is to balance work and school and any type of social life. "
Friday, December 7, 2007
Randoms
1. I'm jealous that University of Illinois is playing in the Rose Bowl, and that I have friends in the band that are going. (At the same time, though, they have to march the 5 1/2 mile parade route in wool uniforms in sunny California...not so nice). MSU's going to Orlando, too. Times like this make me wish i was still in the band: 4 day paid trip to Orlando! Yay! Go State, Beat the Eagles (Boston College).
2. I got paid today! (from substituting the last time.)
3. I'm subbing 2 days in a row....Monday and Tuesday, and this time I'm planning for them (mostly) myself. *crosses her fingers* *prays* I'm going to try some more hands-on activities and centers to allow the students to work at their own pace since I'm pretty terrible at pacing and all of the (boring) worksheets that they normally do. They just get frustrated with me and with the work and I end up sending kids out of the room or making them cry...neither is a good thing.
4. Only 8 more days at my current school until I'm finished. I am so ready for my next placement in a deaf education setting!
5. Today was the last day of my MSU classes for this semester! Next semester will be quite different, hopefully in a good way...
6. We're throwing my cousin a surprise birthday party this weekend...busyness.
7. My room is trashed.
8. I miss my friends. I don't really have any here. The people I work with are the people I work with. I see them at work and don't really "hang out" with them. The people in my program are either student teaching in different places than me so I only see them on Fridays, or they are at the same school as me, but live in different cities and have busy lives and don't really hang out either. I don't know anyone from church yet. I don't know anyone in this town. I miss my friends.
9. I'm pretty terrible at keeping in touch through phone calls. I'm working on sending out Christmas cards. Hopefully they will be done by the end of this weekend, too. I think I'm over 1/2way done! :-)
10. I feel as though there were more things that I wanted to write, but I guess I'm already on 10, so it might be a good time to stop.
2. I got paid today! (from substituting the last time.)
3. I'm subbing 2 days in a row....Monday and Tuesday, and this time I'm planning for them (mostly) myself. *crosses her fingers* *prays* I'm going to try some more hands-on activities and centers to allow the students to work at their own pace since I'm pretty terrible at pacing and all of the (boring) worksheets that they normally do. They just get frustrated with me and with the work and I end up sending kids out of the room or making them cry...neither is a good thing.
4. Only 8 more days at my current school until I'm finished. I am so ready for my next placement in a deaf education setting!
5. Today was the last day of my MSU classes for this semester! Next semester will be quite different, hopefully in a good way...
6. We're throwing my cousin a surprise birthday party this weekend...busyness.
7. My room is trashed.
8. I miss my friends. I don't really have any here. The people I work with are the people I work with. I see them at work and don't really "hang out" with them. The people in my program are either student teaching in different places than me so I only see them on Fridays, or they are at the same school as me, but live in different cities and have busy lives and don't really hang out either. I don't know anyone from church yet. I don't know anyone in this town. I miss my friends.
9. I'm pretty terrible at keeping in touch through phone calls. I'm working on sending out Christmas cards. Hopefully they will be done by the end of this weekend, too. I think I'm over 1/2way done! :-)
10. I feel as though there were more things that I wanted to write, but I guess I'm already on 10, so it might be a good time to stop.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
It's been a long time...
Wow so much has happened since I last posted.
I substituted for my CT twice. Once for a 1/2 day where I had my students in class with me for 3 hours straight. The second time was for the whole day, but I only had my students in class with me for a total of 3 hours during the full day (we had specials, an assembly, and I taught science to the other second grade class).
Let me tell you....
I don't know how my CT does it on Fridays when I'm not there. True, she's been doing it for a lot longer, but so many days we both are doing so much at the same time (one controlling behavior, one teaching the lesson). It's much more difficult when you're the only adult in the room. What's even more frustrating is when the "good" kids act up. Especially the ones that don't act out for my CT, but just for me. Aren't I lucky. My CT thinks it's because he has a crush on me. Weird.
I'm tired of arguing with students that they they can be right and tell me I am wrong. They can't do that! I've started telling them that I'm tired of it...that makes them a little angry. Maybe not the best way to handle it....
I've got to try something new.
Thanksgiving was great. I went to my dad's with the fam and spent 4 days without thinking about school. :-D I didn't go to my mom's, which means I didn't get to see any of "my boys" (aka my friends from high school). That was sad. It's been too long.
I think I'm actually going to send out Christmas cards this year. I must be getting old. I feel like the only way I can keep in touch with some people is a once- or twice-per-year letter. Is that bad? Am I too young to be feeling this way? I'll try it this year and see how it goes. I miss my friends.
I'm in East Lansing right now because I'm headed to Real Life where one of my girls is sharing her testimony of how God has been working in her life. I'm really excited. She's got a great story.
Only 2 weeks of MSU classes left!
Only 3 weeks left at my general education internship site!
Man! This semester has flown by!
I substituted for my CT twice. Once for a 1/2 day where I had my students in class with me for 3 hours straight. The second time was for the whole day, but I only had my students in class with me for a total of 3 hours during the full day (we had specials, an assembly, and I taught science to the other second grade class).
Let me tell you....
I don't know how my CT does it on Fridays when I'm not there. True, she's been doing it for a lot longer, but so many days we both are doing so much at the same time (one controlling behavior, one teaching the lesson). It's much more difficult when you're the only adult in the room. What's even more frustrating is when the "good" kids act up. Especially the ones that don't act out for my CT, but just for me. Aren't I lucky. My CT thinks it's because he has a crush on me. Weird.
I'm tired of arguing with students that they they can be right and tell me I am wrong. They can't do that! I've started telling them that I'm tired of it...that makes them a little angry. Maybe not the best way to handle it....
I've got to try something new.
Thanksgiving was great. I went to my dad's with the fam and spent 4 days without thinking about school. :-D I didn't go to my mom's, which means I didn't get to see any of "my boys" (aka my friends from high school). That was sad. It's been too long.
I think I'm actually going to send out Christmas cards this year. I must be getting old. I feel like the only way I can keep in touch with some people is a once- or twice-per-year letter. Is that bad? Am I too young to be feeling this way? I'll try it this year and see how it goes. I miss my friends.
I'm in East Lansing right now because I'm headed to Real Life where one of my girls is sharing her testimony of how God has been working in her life. I'm really excited. She's got a great story.
Only 2 weeks of MSU classes left!
Only 3 weeks left at my general education internship site!
Man! This semester has flown by!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Crazy
A few things that are crazy right now:
... teaching
Science (weather)
Inclusion project re: a child with visual impairments in a mainstream classroom.
and I think I'm getting sick again....
Positive craziness:
At MSU last week they had an outreach called The Price of Life where they talked about the international slave trade and attempted to raise money for the International Justice Mission. As far as I have heard (this was as of Wednesday night) there have been 55 people who accepted Christ as their personal savior this week! This is very exciting! The angels are rejoicing. :-)
... teaching
Science (weather)
- My own unit plan
- Culmination (hopefully) to happen next week
- Videotaping my lesson for viewing by my MSU classmates
- Pretty structured
- Not as many fun activities as I would like
- I get very little preparation for this
- Kids don't like to work well together
- My students are very challenging, and oppositional
- I am going to substitute on my own for the first time on Thursday morning...I'm nervous because the kids are so different every day, and have already chased at least 1 substitute away by being so awful.
- I started "making deals" with students, encouraging positive behaviors by providing an incentive if they succeed in the behavior for a slotted amount of time. (i.e. If one student calls out a lot in class, his deal is to get something if he can go a whole day without shouting out.
- Behavior management - finding creative ways to include all students and have them focused
- Deliberately using assessments (formal and informal) to modify my teaching
- Incorporating and including diverse learners (especially when the extremes are present in the class)
Inclusion project re: a child with visual impairments in a mainstream classroom.
- Interviews
- Observations
- HUGE paper at the end exposing my findings
- Observations
- Interviews
- Research (for my problem and those of 2 of my classmates)
- 6 page report re: what happened
- 1-2 hour presentation to "general education teachers" re: having a deaf/hard of hearing student in their classroom
- 5 members need to collaborate in order to present this
and I think I'm getting sick again....
Positive craziness:
At MSU last week they had an outreach called The Price of Life where they talked about the international slave trade and attempted to raise money for the International Justice Mission. As far as I have heard (this was as of Wednesday night) there have been 55 people who accepted Christ as their personal savior this week! This is very exciting! The angels are rejoicing. :-)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Truth
"Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
...
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me"
-Casting Crowns "East to West"
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
...
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me"
-Casting Crowns "East to West"
I was driving into work today with the radio on, but not really listening because I was too busy praying. You see, yesterday was probably the worst day we have had all year as far as student behavior is concerned. Seven, yes, seven of the boys in our class got in so much trouble during music and gym class that they were standing along the gym wall and had to talk to the principal before they came back to class. I was driving to school, praying for those seven boys, but also for the other students in my class. There are so many that don't have peace in their lives. So many that have little to no self-confidence or self-esteem, and so many that have no stability or structure. I was sitting and praying (and driving) when this song came on and I couldn't continue because I was so engrossed in the song. It fit so well with what I was praying about, also confessing some of my sin...and praying about how I can be more just and fair but loving about all in the classroom discipline. Here comes this song and I tear up.
Jesus, will you show me just how far the east is from the west? That's where your word (psalms, I believe) tells me you separated me from my sin.
From one scarred hand to the other... I got a mental image when I listened to this and thinking about it now conjures the same image. Now I don't know much about the actual geography/topography of the Bible, but I want to learn. I don't know if anyone knows this. The picture in my head, though, is Jesus hanging on the cross, facing North (or south). Therefore, his hands are pointing east and west, respectively. Those wounds are the payment for my sin. That is where it is placed, on Him. Not on me. Jesus knows how far apart those wounds are, but he also knows that they are finished, and they are on Him.
I also really liked the line about His peace getting me through this night....I feel so often that this year is a very long night. I'm having some dark spiritual times because I'm struggling with finding a "home" community here. I'm also in the middle of so many other transitions that it is simply nuts. I need the peace. Fill me.
p.s. Today (even though it was Halloween) was the best day we have ever had, especially with behaviors. :-D Praise God for answered prayers!
Jesus, will you show me just how far the east is from the west? That's where your word (psalms, I believe) tells me you separated me from my sin.
From one scarred hand to the other... I got a mental image when I listened to this and thinking about it now conjures the same image. Now I don't know much about the actual geography/topography of the Bible, but I want to learn. I don't know if anyone knows this. The picture in my head, though, is Jesus hanging on the cross, facing North (or south). Therefore, his hands are pointing east and west, respectively. Those wounds are the payment for my sin. That is where it is placed, on Him. Not on me. Jesus knows how far apart those wounds are, but he also knows that they are finished, and they are on Him.
I also really liked the line about His peace getting me through this night....I feel so often that this year is a very long night. I'm having some dark spiritual times because I'm struggling with finding a "home" community here. I'm also in the middle of so many other transitions that it is simply nuts. I need the peace. Fill me.
p.s. Today (even though it was Halloween) was the best day we have ever had, especially with behaviors. :-D Praise God for answered prayers!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The World Today
What is happening?
- My school has been broken into 3 times since September 4th.
- Windows have been broken (inside and out)
- computers have been stolen
- Today, while everyone was still in the building, a computer was stolen from the assistant principal's office
- Out of my twenty 2nd graders, 5 have anger management problems.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Celebrating Small Successes
Today went pretty well. :-)
That's a big thing.
So far the main thing that I've been teaching has been phonics and math. I'm starting to learn how to get the kids excited about the (boring) phonics readers. I just need to keep finding ways to connect it to their lives and make it real for them. The kids are at such different levels that it's hard to do the same or even similar things with all of them. This week I planned 3 different lessons for the 3 different ability groups using the same book. I went through 2 of them today (low and middle) and I need to do 2 tomorrow (high and another middle). They went alright. Some of the kids are just not interested in being a part of the group. I don't yet know how to help them engage when they are having a rough day.
The math lessons that I've been leading are more review than lessons, but it counts nonetheless. ;-) Monday I led them in a game, too, which went fine. The behaviors were pretty good on Monday, too. Today was a different story as far as behaviors were concerned (we had a talk about how to behave in the hallway, there were a couple of almost fights...), but the math calendar lesson went well. :-) It started as a mistake. We didn't have enough copies made of the sheet...I trusted that my CT had made them (which she did)...we just didn't have them all in the right place. So, I improvised. She made the copies and I explained to the class what happened and said that I was going to pick a "super helper" for the day to sit in the teacher chair and use their paper with the document reader. I even let him call on some students to help him with certain problems. (I picked one of the kids that isn't always completely engaged...it forced him to pay attention, and he did a great job!) The other kids liked it, too, I think...and we are going to do it again tomorrow. I also started this, 'if you're doing the right thing you can put a smiley face on the top of your paper'. So tomorrow I need to reward the ones that had smileys on the top of their papers (all of them) to start the positive reinforcement for being on task and getting their work done well. Overall, it was a good day. :-). I thought I would talk about the positive for once.
Alright, time for dinner and then a lot of homework tonight. <3
That's a big thing.
So far the main thing that I've been teaching has been phonics and math. I'm starting to learn how to get the kids excited about the (boring) phonics readers. I just need to keep finding ways to connect it to their lives and make it real for them. The kids are at such different levels that it's hard to do the same or even similar things with all of them. This week I planned 3 different lessons for the 3 different ability groups using the same book. I went through 2 of them today (low and middle) and I need to do 2 tomorrow (high and another middle). They went alright. Some of the kids are just not interested in being a part of the group. I don't yet know how to help them engage when they are having a rough day.
The math lessons that I've been leading are more review than lessons, but it counts nonetheless. ;-) Monday I led them in a game, too, which went fine. The behaviors were pretty good on Monday, too. Today was a different story as far as behaviors were concerned (we had a talk about how to behave in the hallway, there were a couple of almost fights...), but the math calendar lesson went well. :-) It started as a mistake. We didn't have enough copies made of the sheet...I trusted that my CT had made them (which she did)...we just didn't have them all in the right place. So, I improvised. She made the copies and I explained to the class what happened and said that I was going to pick a "super helper" for the day to sit in the teacher chair and use their paper with the document reader. I even let him call on some students to help him with certain problems. (I picked one of the kids that isn't always completely engaged...it forced him to pay attention, and he did a great job!) The other kids liked it, too, I think...and we are going to do it again tomorrow. I also started this, 'if you're doing the right thing you can put a smiley face on the top of your paper'. So tomorrow I need to reward the ones that had smileys on the top of their papers (all of them) to start the positive reinforcement for being on task and getting their work done well. Overall, it was a good day. :-). I thought I would talk about the positive for once.
Alright, time for dinner and then a lot of homework tonight. <3
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Settling Down
I'm already finished with 3 weeks of school! It's hard to believe that so much time has passed already, but at the same time I can't believe that so much has happened in the past 3 weeks.
Things are settling down, which is a good thing. It's becoming a lot more comfortable being in the classroom, I'm learning my role a bit more, and I think my CT and I are learning to communicate a bit better. Oberall, i think my big stress week was really a lot of emotions coming togetehr and making it seem worse than it really was because it was so new. Now that I'm starting to have more of a routine, life is much more consistent.
Let's see. The elementary school is good. :-) It is still challenging, especially managing behavior in the classroom. I just don't have the experience yet, and there are 21 kids, so it's hard. I'm learning as I go. We have some difficult students, but I think their main problems are that they are frustrated. Of our 21 students, 15 are below grade-level in reading. 10 of them are 2 grade levels behind. This makes for difficulty when we want them to work on something independently. If they can't read the directions, the numbers, anything, they get frustrated and don't want to do it. Other problems are stubbornness and anger management, but they are also in process.
Things I'm learning about myself in all of this school process are vast. I'm learning how I naturally react to problems in the classroom, and whether or not that is effective. I'm getting to see how my personality fits into the routines we have established, and how I might start things in my own classroom. By observing other teachers, I'm also seeing the wide array of options available...we really don't need to "recreate the wheel"...there are SO MANY good ideas that we can share with each other! It's not going to be about what new and creative idea I use. It's going to be more about how I use what I've seen to be effective in a way that fits my personality and teaching style. I've also seen my sinfulness, and that of the world as a whole... I just get angry or frustrated/irritated sometimes. I react in ways that I know I do not want to react, but they are what come out first. I know there will be some sanctification in process, and I'm starting to learn what Jason meant when he said God was teaching him a lot about patience his first year teaching...
College is also going well. The two classes are so different, but the concepts that we are discussing really are connecting. For example, yesterday in class 1 (our "collaboration" class) we talked about problem solving. Certain problems (especially when it comes to educational placement of a child) are "ill-defined," meaning they have no clear-cut solution. Those are the hardest to solve collaboratively, because there are so many other options/ideas to weigh and discuss. We practiced this in role-playing. Then, in class 2 (our "language development" class), we are collaboratively problem-solving. We are working on case-studies involving real teachers, students, and parents, creating a wiki where we can share our research and proposed solutions as well as discuss the outcomes of whatever interventions occur. It's really cool, but completely different than any other class we have been in. I like it when things connect, though. :-) Our other "class" is a seminar, and this week we had a speaker about behavior management. It was good! I learned a lot, and got some more ideas about how to start things when I have my own classroom.
Outside of elementary school and college, life is good. I don't do a whole lot, but I'm hoping to get involved in a church pretty quick. There are 2 options so far that seem realistic and potentially where God wants me, but I don't know which one yet. I'm actually just going to one for the first time tomorrow. :-) The first (that I went to last weekend: The River) is a church that seems very similar to Riverview, which would be good. I even met a couple that are about my age.... The second (that I will go to tomorrow: Lighthouse Chapel) seems really cool because the services are in ASL, and the pastor is Deaf. I'm excited, even though the pastor won't be there tomorrow, I'll at least get to experience it a little bit. :-) I'll keep you posted on what I learn.
I think that might be all....
I have a lot that I need to do this weekend, but I know it'll all get done. God bless, and have a great night!
Things are settling down, which is a good thing. It's becoming a lot more comfortable being in the classroom, I'm learning my role a bit more, and I think my CT and I are learning to communicate a bit better. Oberall, i think my big stress week was really a lot of emotions coming togetehr and making it seem worse than it really was because it was so new. Now that I'm starting to have more of a routine, life is much more consistent.
Let's see. The elementary school is good. :-) It is still challenging, especially managing behavior in the classroom. I just don't have the experience yet, and there are 21 kids, so it's hard. I'm learning as I go. We have some difficult students, but I think their main problems are that they are frustrated. Of our 21 students, 15 are below grade-level in reading. 10 of them are 2 grade levels behind. This makes for difficulty when we want them to work on something independently. If they can't read the directions, the numbers, anything, they get frustrated and don't want to do it. Other problems are stubbornness and anger management, but they are also in process.
Things I'm learning about myself in all of this school process are vast. I'm learning how I naturally react to problems in the classroom, and whether or not that is effective. I'm getting to see how my personality fits into the routines we have established, and how I might start things in my own classroom. By observing other teachers, I'm also seeing the wide array of options available...we really don't need to "recreate the wheel"...there are SO MANY good ideas that we can share with each other! It's not going to be about what new and creative idea I use. It's going to be more about how I use what I've seen to be effective in a way that fits my personality and teaching style. I've also seen my sinfulness, and that of the world as a whole... I just get angry or frustrated/irritated sometimes. I react in ways that I know I do not want to react, but they are what come out first. I know there will be some sanctification in process, and I'm starting to learn what Jason meant when he said God was teaching him a lot about patience his first year teaching...
College is also going well. The two classes are so different, but the concepts that we are discussing really are connecting. For example, yesterday in class 1 (our "collaboration" class) we talked about problem solving. Certain problems (especially when it comes to educational placement of a child) are "ill-defined," meaning they have no clear-cut solution. Those are the hardest to solve collaboratively, because there are so many other options/ideas to weigh and discuss. We practiced this in role-playing. Then, in class 2 (our "language development" class), we are collaboratively problem-solving. We are working on case-studies involving real teachers, students, and parents, creating a wiki where we can share our research and proposed solutions as well as discuss the outcomes of whatever interventions occur. It's really cool, but completely different than any other class we have been in. I like it when things connect, though. :-) Our other "class" is a seminar, and this week we had a speaker about behavior management. It was good! I learned a lot, and got some more ideas about how to start things when I have my own classroom.
Outside of elementary school and college, life is good. I don't do a whole lot, but I'm hoping to get involved in a church pretty quick. There are 2 options so far that seem realistic and potentially where God wants me, but I don't know which one yet. I'm actually just going to one for the first time tomorrow. :-) The first (that I went to last weekend: The River) is a church that seems very similar to Riverview, which would be good. I even met a couple that are about my age.... The second (that I will go to tomorrow: Lighthouse Chapel) seems really cool because the services are in ASL, and the pastor is Deaf. I'm excited, even though the pastor won't be there tomorrow, I'll at least get to experience it a little bit. :-) I'll keep you posted on what I learn.
I think that might be all....
I have a lot that I need to do this weekend, but I know it'll all get done. God bless, and have a great night!
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Emotional Overload
I've finished week one of my internship. And what a week it was.
I don't know if it's hormones or what, but I've been exceptionally emotional this week. Wednesday was the first full day for students, and it was a stressful day for them. Almost at the same time, 3 boys were in tears. The first was because he is a perfectionist (yes, he's an 8-year-old perfectionist) and was not finished with the first worksheet when the second was handed to him. The second child that cried was because he was either feeling very sick or pretending to feel very sick so as to not do his work (yes, we have an actor on our hands). The third was a boy that all of the teachers have been telling us is problematic. He does have anger management issues, but I've noticed that it starts with him being frustrated that he cannot keep up with the pace of the class. This was the case on the first full day of school. I went to talk to him, to see what was wrong, but he had completely shut down. My CT (cooperating teacher, the "real" teacher in the classroom) was able to talk to him and let him know it's okay to catch up later. Another girl came up to me matter of factly and said, "We had a house fire yesterday," then proceeded to explain it as though it's no big deal
Needless to say, when I got home, I was beat. There are so many emotions that fly in the
classroom during the day. It mentally drained me, and I am not even in charge of anything yet! The kids are starting to wonder what my role is in the classroom, and I am too. ;-)
I came home Wednesday and made the mistake of reading through the Intern Handbook with all the expectations listed. I just really feel as though I'm not there and never will be there. I know that this year is a process and I'm not supposed to be there yet, but it still stressed me out to read all that is expected of me this year. I cooled down by walking on a treadmill while I read for my classes. :-)
Thursday I learned that my CT expects me to start teaching math on Monday. Wow. Her other interns have taught math from the beginning, so I suppose I will, too. In that regard, I feel prepared and unprepared at the same time. My CT has given me so many ideas that her other interns have used. All are good ideas. On one hand I want to use the ideas, because they are good ones. On the other hand I don't want to use them, because then I'm copying off former interns. I don't know what she expects of me, so my mind is conflicted.
Add up those two different areas of expectations vs. reality and add my graduate classes that each have their own expectations. That equation equals Jess having a minor breakdown on Friday while talking to my Field Instructor (professor that comes to observe me teach). I just needed to cry! Friday was a rough day, but I was able to sit down and have a date with Jesus at Beaner's later that night, and get a lot of what I had been repressing out. I had a good cry, a good pray, and some reassurance from the words of Jeremiah. It was good. I need to do that more often, be more real with my emotions and get them out in spoken words to God and to people! So often I have a loop of unasked questions in my head playing over and over again because they are questions that I am eager to have answered from someone, but I am afraid to ask for some reason or another. Most often they seem silly, or they are to be addressed to someone that I am unsure of my standing with. (does that make sense?). I guess the first step is getting more comfortable with myself and just asking the questions without regard to how it will make me seem/sound. Lay down the pride and self-deprication.
Today was another tumultuous day. I tried to go to church at His River in Holly. I got off the wrong Holly Rd. exit, and then proceeded to follow the road, thinking I would eventually find where I needed to be. By the time I gave up, turned around and continued on the right way, I made it to church a half hour late. Arg. This prompted another semi-break, where I realized that I do need people. I need to first rely on God, but I do need community, too. We were not created to live this life alone. Again, I don't know if it's hormones or something that's been repressed and coming out all of a sudden, but I've been feeling very alone recently, even if I'm with people. I think it's because I've been in deep authentic community with people that share my values and worldview, and that is not what I have now. I know that I can begin to create it and seek it out, but I still miss it.
Goals for this week:
No guilt for study/planning breaks
seek community (actually make it to His River next week, email about Bible studies?)
create authentic community by asking real and intentional questions
time to breathe, to be alone with God, and to PRAY
I don't know if it's hormones or what, but I've been exceptionally emotional this week. Wednesday was the first full day for students, and it was a stressful day for them. Almost at the same time, 3 boys were in tears. The first was because he is a perfectionist (yes, he's an 8-year-old perfectionist) and was not finished with the first worksheet when the second was handed to him. The second child that cried was because he was either feeling very sick or pretending to feel very sick so as to not do his work (yes, we have an actor on our hands). The third was a boy that all of the teachers have been telling us is problematic. He does have anger management issues, but I've noticed that it starts with him being frustrated that he cannot keep up with the pace of the class. This was the case on the first full day of school. I went to talk to him, to see what was wrong, but he had completely shut down. My CT (cooperating teacher, the "real" teacher in the classroom) was able to talk to him and let him know it's okay to catch up later. Another girl came up to me matter of factly and said, "We had a house fire yesterday," then proceeded to explain it as though it's no big deal
Needless to say, when I got home, I was beat. There are so many emotions that fly in the
classroom during the day. It mentally drained me, and I am not even in charge of anything yet! The kids are starting to wonder what my role is in the classroom, and I am too. ;-)
I came home Wednesday and made the mistake of reading through the Intern Handbook with all the expectations listed. I just really feel as though I'm not there and never will be there. I know that this year is a process and I'm not supposed to be there yet, but it still stressed me out to read all that is expected of me this year. I cooled down by walking on a treadmill while I read for my classes. :-)
Thursday I learned that my CT expects me to start teaching math on Monday. Wow. Her other interns have taught math from the beginning, so I suppose I will, too. In that regard, I feel prepared and unprepared at the same time. My CT has given me so many ideas that her other interns have used. All are good ideas. On one hand I want to use the ideas, because they are good ones. On the other hand I don't want to use them, because then I'm copying off former interns. I don't know what she expects of me, so my mind is conflicted.
Add up those two different areas of expectations vs. reality and add my graduate classes that each have their own expectations. That equation equals Jess having a minor breakdown on Friday while talking to my Field Instructor (professor that comes to observe me teach). I just needed to cry! Friday was a rough day, but I was able to sit down and have a date with Jesus at Beaner's later that night, and get a lot of what I had been repressing out. I had a good cry, a good pray, and some reassurance from the words of Jeremiah. It was good. I need to do that more often, be more real with my emotions and get them out in spoken words to God and to people! So often I have a loop of unasked questions in my head playing over and over again because they are questions that I am eager to have answered from someone, but I am afraid to ask for some reason or another. Most often they seem silly, or they are to be addressed to someone that I am unsure of my standing with. (does that make sense?). I guess the first step is getting more comfortable with myself and just asking the questions without regard to how it will make me seem/sound. Lay down the pride and self-deprication.
Today was another tumultuous day. I tried to go to church at His River in Holly. I got off the wrong Holly Rd. exit, and then proceeded to follow the road, thinking I would eventually find where I needed to be. By the time I gave up, turned around and continued on the right way, I made it to church a half hour late. Arg. This prompted another semi-break, where I realized that I do need people. I need to first rely on God, but I do need community, too. We were not created to live this life alone. Again, I don't know if it's hormones or something that's been repressed and coming out all of a sudden, but I've been feeling very alone recently, even if I'm with people. I think it's because I've been in deep authentic community with people that share my values and worldview, and that is not what I have now. I know that I can begin to create it and seek it out, but I still miss it.
Goals for this week:
No guilt for study/planning breaks
seek community (actually make it to His River next week, email about Bible studies?)
create authentic community by asking real and intentional questions
time to breathe, to be alone with God, and to PRAY
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Transition
I'm in the midst of this huge transition in my life and it's hard to get a grasp on pretty much anything right now. Here are some of the ways I'm transitioning:
From Student to Teacher:
I've spent the past 17 years learning how to be a good student. I've learned what needs to be done and what doesn't, how to get along with pretty much any teacher, and how to manage my time/balance a whole courseload and a life. Now, I'm in graduate classes where I'm still a student trying to learn and get a good grade. At the same time, though, I'm a "Teacher Intern" which means I'm being apprenticed in how to teach. I'm spending time observing, teaching, learning. I don't really know what my role is.
From Independent to Dependent:
Not dependent in a negative context, by any means. I'm moving from being in college and living with college students (or for the past year, by myself), to living with my grandma, aunt, uncle, and cousin. Life is considerably different in this house, and many times I'm just trying to be considerate and I step on someone's toes, or I don't do my own work. I'm learning a balance between family time and "me" time, and learning to really rely on God. I need to be dependent on him. In a very real sense. I think a lot of times, and especially as I have gone through college, I have learned to rely a lot on people as opposed to God. Even in my independence last year, I still maintained my friendship support skeleton. This year, that social construct is not as freely accessible, because I'm not in town. My reliance needs to be on God.
From College Ministry to Lifelong Ministry:
In the past 4 years I have gotten very comfortable with campus ministry. I've been a regular attendee at a church in the area, gone to and led weekly Bible studies, attended weekly meetings, met new people wherever I went, and conducted surveys in the dorms. If I could be comfortable doing anything right now, I think that would be it. But that's not where God has me right now. He has me in Flint Community School District, teaching 29 second graders how to read, write, and compute. He has me in a place of influence over their love of learning, and their future. It's a heavy responsibility. I'll be surrounded by students or teachers all day, unsure of whether or not God's name is acceptable inside the school walls. I'm learning how to be bold, and how to just live life with people that are not my age and are not just like me. I want to understand the kids. I want to listen to them, learn from them, encourage them. I'm learning.
I think that's all for now. I'm also looking for a church and will be learning what it means to be a member of a church instead of just a regular attendee. It's going to be a challenging year. :-)
From Student to Teacher:
I've spent the past 17 years learning how to be a good student. I've learned what needs to be done and what doesn't, how to get along with pretty much any teacher, and how to manage my time/balance a whole courseload and a life. Now, I'm in graduate classes where I'm still a student trying to learn and get a good grade. At the same time, though, I'm a "Teacher Intern" which means I'm being apprenticed in how to teach. I'm spending time observing, teaching, learning. I don't really know what my role is.
From Independent to Dependent:
Not dependent in a negative context, by any means. I'm moving from being in college and living with college students (or for the past year, by myself), to living with my grandma, aunt, uncle, and cousin. Life is considerably different in this house, and many times I'm just trying to be considerate and I step on someone's toes, or I don't do my own work. I'm learning a balance between family time and "me" time, and learning to really rely on God. I need to be dependent on him. In a very real sense. I think a lot of times, and especially as I have gone through college, I have learned to rely a lot on people as opposed to God. Even in my independence last year, I still maintained my friendship support skeleton. This year, that social construct is not as freely accessible, because I'm not in town. My reliance needs to be on God.
From College Ministry to Lifelong Ministry:
In the past 4 years I have gotten very comfortable with campus ministry. I've been a regular attendee at a church in the area, gone to and led weekly Bible studies, attended weekly meetings, met new people wherever I went, and conducted surveys in the dorms. If I could be comfortable doing anything right now, I think that would be it. But that's not where God has me right now. He has me in Flint Community School District, teaching 29 second graders how to read, write, and compute. He has me in a place of influence over their love of learning, and their future. It's a heavy responsibility. I'll be surrounded by students or teachers all day, unsure of whether or not God's name is acceptable inside the school walls. I'm learning how to be bold, and how to just live life with people that are not my age and are not just like me. I want to understand the kids. I want to listen to them, learn from them, encourage them. I'm learning.
I think that's all for now. I'm also looking for a church and will be learning what it means to be a member of a church instead of just a regular attendee. It's going to be a challenging year. :-)
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