Seasons

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. 
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Not only is the season literally changing, but I am feeling a change in the season of my life. It's not altogether a pleasant feeling at the moment, either. When seasons change, I tend to look eagerly at the next season, but part of me always is a little sad that the one season is over. For example, when summer turns into fall: I get excited when I start to see the leaves change, when college football starts, and when the hot summer air turns slightly cooler. I realize, though, that fall means busyness of school, fewer hours of sunlight, and colder weather on the horizon. There are positives and negatives to every season. And the seasons must change in order to experience those joys. I need to bear with the negatives if I want to revel in the positives.

And so it is with season changes in my life. Right now I'm feeling some of the negatives internally. I don't know exactly why I'm noticing this change right now, when it's been gradually happening for the past 2 years probably...but I do notice it. There's a point in your life when childhood friends lose touch, when high school friends grow apart, and when college friends cease to be a part of your daily life. It's as if two people, friends, who at one point in both of their lives fit together like puzzle pieces, perfectly matched for such a time. Life moves on, though, and people change or move or start other relationships and those puzzle pieces change slightly with time. Before you know it, they just don't fit anymore, or there's no room to stay attached. Each time I realize another person with whom I had one of those friendships has become a mismatched puzzle piece in my life, I get a little sad.

...a friend that I grew up with, the first guy I kissed, my college roommate, my best friends from middle school, my first friend in college, "my sophomore", even some of my Life Group girls from college...all these people were very important pieces of my life at one point, and are now gone/gradually fading...it's time for seasons to change, I suppose. I know there are other people in my life that are more of a fit right now, but part of me will still miss those friendships lost over time and distance.

emotional

I'm not very good at blogging...

Feeling pretty emotional today. Had a meeting with a pastor from my church about new membership stuff and I couldn't help myself from feeling inadequate. I know that alone I am, but I also know that in Christ I am not. So why the nagging feeling that I'm not good enough at anything?

I first believed in Christ as a personal savior when I was 16. I knew of him before that and I knew the basic idea of redemption, but I didn't understand it on a personal level. In college, I started following Christ. Looking toward the Bible and seeking God in decision making, trying to live a life of gratitude and service to him. God really moved in my life during college. He taught me many things about myself and others, and I saw him at work in my life and in the lives of the people around me. I fear I have become stagnant in the past year and a half, immune to what God is doing around me and hardened to watching him work in the lives of others.

The pastor asked me today if I had ever been water baptized. I was, as a baby, but not since I became a Christian. Part of me has always wanted my parents to be there for it, or for them to understand why I am doing it. I don't think that they would, nor do I think they could be there. It's not practical now that I live halfway across the country.

My heart is just sad today. And I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I am realizing just how little faith I have, and maybe part of it is because I don't really know how to change. I guess I'll be praying for some wisdom and guidance, and for the forgiveness of my unbelief.

God is who he says he is
God can do what he says he can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
...
what was the last one?
-beth moore "believing God" (ironically that series was what led me to start this blog...)

Emotional Overload

I've finished week one of my internship. And what a week it was.

I don't know if it's hormones or what, but I've been exceptionally emotional this week. Wednesday was the first full day for students, and it was a stressful day for them. Almost at the same time, 3 boys were in tears. The first was because he is a perfectionist (yes, he's an 8-year-old perfectionist) and was not finished with the first worksheet when the second was handed to him. The second child that cried was because he was either feeling very sick or pretending to feel very sick so as to not do his work (yes, we have an actor on our hands). The third was a boy that all of the teachers have been telling us is problematic. He does have anger management issues, but I've noticed that it starts with him being frustrated that he cannot keep up with the pace of the class. This was the case on the first full day of school. I went to talk to him, to see what was wrong, but he had completely shut down. My CT (cooperating teacher, the "real" teacher in the classroom) was able to talk to him and let him know it's okay to catch up later. Another girl came up to me matter of factly and said, "We had a house fire yesterday," then proceeded to explain it as though it's no big deal

Needless to say, when I got home, I was beat. There are so many emotions that fly in the
classroom during the day. It mentally drained me, and I am not even in charge of anything yet! The kids are starting to wonder what my role is in the classroom, and I am too. ;-)

I came home Wednesday and made the mistake of reading through the Intern Handbook with all the expectations listed. I just really feel as though I'm not there and never will be there. I know that this year is a process and I'm not supposed to be there yet, but it still stressed me out to read all that is expected of me this year. I cooled down by walking on a treadmill while I read for my classes. :-)

Thursday I learned that my CT expects me to start teaching math on Monday. Wow. Her other interns have taught math from the beginning, so I suppose I will, too. In that regard, I feel prepared and unprepared at the same time. My CT has given me so many ideas that her other interns have used. All are good ideas. On one hand I want to use the ideas, because they are good ones. On the other hand I don't want to use them, because then I'm copying off former interns. I don't know what she expects of me, so my mind is conflicted.

Add up those two different areas of expectations vs. reality and add my graduate classes that each have their own expectations. That equation equals Jess having a minor breakdown on Friday while talking to my Field Instructor (professor that comes to observe me teach). I just needed to cry! Friday was a rough day, but I was able to sit down and have a date with Jesus at Beaner's later that night, and get a lot of what I had been repressing out. I had a good cry, a good pray, and some reassurance from the words of Jeremiah. It was good. I need to do that more often, be more real with my emotions and get them out in spoken words to God and to people! So often I have a loop of unasked questions in my head playing over and over again because they are questions that I am eager to have answered from someone, but I am afraid to ask for some reason or another. Most often they seem silly, or they are to be addressed to someone that I am unsure of my standing with. (does that make sense?). I guess the first step is getting more comfortable with myself and just asking the questions without regard to how it will make me seem/sound. Lay down the pride and self-deprication.

Today was another tumultuous day. I tried to go to church at His River in Holly. I got off the wrong Holly Rd. exit, and then proceeded to follow the road, thinking I would eventually find where I needed to be. By the time I gave up, turned around and continued on the right way, I made it to church a half hour late. Arg. This prompted another semi-break, where I realized that I do need people. I need to first rely on God, but I do need community, too. We were not created to live this life alone. Again, I don't know if it's hormones or something that's been repressed and coming out all of a sudden, but I've been feeling very alone recently, even if I'm with people. I think it's because I've been in deep authentic community with people that share my values and worldview, and that is not what I have now. I know that I can begin to create it and seek it out, but I still miss it.

Goals for this week:
No guilt for study/planning breaks
seek community (actually make it to His River next week, email about Bible studies?)
create authentic community by asking real and intentional questions
time to breathe, to be alone with God, and to PRAY