Believing God

Transparency

2011-08-09T08:18:00.000-07:00

As an educator with two public blogs, private facebook page, and public twitter page, I spend some time every now and then thinking about what my digital footprint is and what it says about me. As of right now, I am deciding to maintain the public, non-protected status of my tweets and blog posts. Some educators might think this unwise. Some people don't even want a facebook page or anything publicly posted on the web because of the possible ramifications.

My decision is based on a desire to live transparently. In my personal and professional life, I seek to live with integrity of action, speech and thought. Therefore, nothing I post online should be surprising to the people I work with. I would love it if people could come visit my classroom in real life and give me feedback on lesson planning and implementation, but that's not always feasible. So I have an online community to help.

In my personal life, the same holds true. My postings should not come as a surprise to friends or family members that know me well. I am just seeking to document my journey and reflect a bit along the way.

That's all. Just something I've been thinking about lately. If anyone is reading, say hello!

Interesting Images: Christians around the world

2010-03-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

Here's a blog post that I found through a friend. I actually saw the first image through a different site yesterday, and then opened my Google Reader this afternoon and found the collection of images. Thought I would share:

http://www.creativeclass.com/creative_class/2010/03/18/the-christianity-map/

Granted, the images might not be accurate (I'm pretty sure data was compiled based on the number of hits to a search engine with the given denomination as the search item), but I thought it was interesting nonetheless. Hope you enjoyed it, too.

Gilgal

2010-03-12T18:04:00.000-08:00

Something I shared with my small group last Tuesday was how God recently reminded me of a passage that I studied several years ago. The particular passage comes from Joshua 3-4, when the Israelites cross the Jordan into the "Promised Land," where they were about to confront the Canaanites and fight many wars in order to claim the land God promised them.

I studied this passage in college as part of Beth Moore's "Believing God" series, and shortly after I completed that series, I started this blog. One significant detail in that passage, to me, is the name of the town where the Israelites camp after crossing the Jordan: Gilgal. In Hebrew, this word is a variant of the word that means "wheel" or "circle." That particular translation was relevant to me last week when I came across this passage, but I also realize it is relevant even in me writing in this blog. I started this 3 years ago (or so), because I wanted to chronicle my walk with God and the ways I was "believing Him" to lead me and guide me. Now, I am writing to publish what he has taught me and is teaching me. I don't post often, but I keep coming back.

I won't go into many details here in public forum, but 3 years ago when I studied this passage, I was getting ready to have a difficult conversation with someone in my life. I was nervous about it. I didn't know what to do or say, but I knew I needed to confront the person and hear his side of the story. So I did. And I got through it! It wasn't easy, but it wasn't nearly as difficult as I expected it to be. Earlier this month, I was getting ready to have another, fairly similar, difficult converation with the same person. I just happened to be reading through Joshua at the time. I was reminded of this passage, and then the time in my life when I studied it. It encouraged me to look back and remember how far God brought me. Again, the conversation was not easy, but I got through it. It wasn't as difficult as I expected it to be.

As I was reading this time, though, a new connection developed in my brain. I thought about the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea (Exodus 14) and compared/contrasted with when they crossed the Jordan. Some interesting stuff is there. I won't blab on and on about it, but feel free to look it up and leave comments if you want to make this a discussion. Be encouraged today, I am.

Snowpocalypse

2010-02-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

I had a long weekend thanks to the mid-Atlantic snowstorm that dumped 16" of snow in Staunton over 36 hours and over 2.5 feet in Northern Virginia. I took advantage of this long weekend (and the thought that, perhaps, it might be even longer, considering the road conditions after so much snow falls...I was right) to catch up with some friends that I haven't spoken to in quite some time. There are still more friends that I need to catch up with, but it was nice to talk to people.

With one such person, after we caught up on each other's lives, our conversation turned to the snow. She lives in the Baltimore area, so she was getting more than Staunton. We talked about the storm that hit on December 19th (when I was conveniently in Illinois, thank God), and the current storm. She was telling me how she and her husband went outside to try to dig out their car at one point. They had a shovel and scrapers, and were working at it. She mentioned that her neighbors were out there, too, all working on their own cars. It was as if a sort of bond was made between them. People they may have never spoken to before, but they were sharing in the experience of digging their cars out from under 2.5 feet of snow.

After our conversation, I started to think about my own neighbors. I live in a townhouse with 6 units. There are two other townhouses in our little "block", each also having 6 units. That makes 18 apartments that share a sectioned off parking area. I recognize the cars of the people in my townhouse, and the cars of several other "neighbors" because we happen to be coming or going at the same time often enough for me to make an association between a face and a car. I am ashamed to say I only know the name of one of my neighbors, though I have shared pleasantries and exchanged words with several.

Anyway, two of the residents in my townhouse are of grandparent age. After the conversation with my friend, I thought, "How could I help them out, show them love during and after this storm?" It's not that I've never thought of being nice to my neighbors before, but here I was given a fairly obvious opportunity to show love in action, as we are called. At one point Sunday morning, I had recently come inside from sweeping the snow off the roof of my car. I had un-bundled and was just about to sit down and relax for a few minutes before going out to start shoveling. I looked out the window, though, and saw one of my elder neighbors starting to sweep off his truck. I was presented with a choice: stay inside and follow my own "schedule" or go out and offer to help. For once, I chose to go out and help.

It was nice to take the time and help this man. We shared a conversation and I got to know a little more about him. Later, he let me borrow his shovel to work on my own parking space. I also took the shovel and helped clear his space. I'm not saying this to brag and say, "Look what I did this weekend." I'm saying it to encourage anyone who reads this to make a small choice. When presented with the option, don't be afraid to interrupt your plans or routine in order to lend a hand. Be willing and flexible. Open your eyes for opportunities to show love in action to the people around you. I think this can happen more often than only when a city gets pounded by snow. :-)

Seasons

2009-11-15T17:32:00.000-08:00

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Not only is the season literally changing, but I am feeling a change in the season of my life. It's not altogether a pleasant feeling at the moment, either. When seasons change, I tend to look eagerly at the next season, but part of me always is a little sad that the one season is over. For example, when summer turns into fall: I get excited when I start to see the leaves change, when college football starts, and when the hot summer air turns slightly cooler. I realize, though, that fall means busyness of school, fewer hours of sunlight, and colder weather on the horizon. There are positives and negatives to every season. And the seasons must change in order to experience those joys. I need to bear with the negatives if I want to revel in the positives.

And so it is with season changes in my life. Right now I'm feeling some of the negatives internally. I don't know exactly why I'm noticing this change right now, when it's been gradually happening for the past 2 years probably...but I do notice it. There's a point in your life when childhood friends lose touch, when high school friends grow apart, and when college friends cease to be a part of your daily life. It's as if two people, friends, who at one point in both of their lives fit together like puzzle pieces, perfectly matched for such a time. Life moves on, though, and people change or move or start other relationships and those puzzle pieces change slightly with time. Before you know it, they just don't fit anymore, or there's no room to stay attached. Each time I realize another person with whom I had one of those friendships has become a mismatched puzzle piece in my life, I get a little sad.

...a friend that I grew up with, the first guy I kissed, my college roommate, my best friends from middle school, my first friend in college, "my sophomore", even some of my Life Group girls from college...all these people were very important pieces of my life at one point, and are now gone/gradually fading...it's time for seasons to change, I suppose. I know there are other people in my life that are more of a fit right now, but part of me will still miss those friendships lost over time and distance.

On Humility and Admitting You are not Self-Sufficient

2009-11-04T16:56:00.000-08:00

Last week I accepted an offer that my mom and step-dad offered: give me a loan to pay off my credit cards so that I don't have to continue paying the ridiculous interest rates charged by the credit card companies. Some background: Ever since I've had a credit card, I paid it off in full every month. Every month, that is, until I moved to Virginia. The moving costs were significant, I didn't get paid right away when I started working, and the money in my bank account was used for security deposits, etc. So anyway, I established some credit card debt buying groceries, some basic furniture and classroom supplies. I've slowly been chipping away at that debt, paying as much as I had left at the end of each month...it just wasn't going down very much, though. My parents were generous and willing to give me money to pay it off in full and allow me to pay them back at a much lower interest rate.

My first thought when they offered this deal was, "That's not fair for them *at all*. It's my fault I have this debt, I just need to keep working to pay it off..." and several other thoughts along the same line. Then, when I started to think about actually taking the money, I thought about what percent interest they should charge me, and how much I should pay them each month in order to pay it off as quickly as possible. Basically, I continued to try to "figure out" and plan my way through every little detail.

Something that I've realized through this ordeal and decision to accept help from my parents, is that I have some pride issues in the area of independence and self-sufficiency. I don't think it's abnormal, to want to be independent from your parents when you're in your mid-20s, and to feel like you can support yourself and figure things out. I do think it's a problem, though, when the reasons I was considering not accepting this offer were because of my desire to not be dependent on my parents.

As a Christian, I'm not expected to be self-sufficient. The core of my belief system is that I *cannot* do anything in my own effort. It is only because God first loved me and sent Christ to die, paving the way for me to have a relationship with him. Why is it, then, that my first instinct with my finances is to think "I have to figure this out myself! I don't need anyone's help!" Arg. I'm learning to rely on people for the right reasons...it takes humility.

Blogging...

2009-10-31T07:58:00.000-07:00

I really want to get better and more consistent about updating this blog. I feel like if I'm more regular about posting, I might have people that actually read it and comment and I love that!

I had an idea for a blog entry last night or this morning, but sure enough, I sit down at my computer and it's gone... Oh, well.

Until again, friends.

(for those of you reading on Facebook, this is originially from www.jbrtva.blogspot.com *smile*)

The Gospel for Geeks

2009-10-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

So, this morning while I was cleaning my apartment, I decided to listen to some podcasts that I have been saving up on my computer/iPod for such a time as this. I didn't know that it had been quite so long since I listened to them but this morning I heard a sermon from Riverview on 8/27/07. Wow...over 2 years ago.

Anyway, Noel was starting a series on "The Gospel According to..." and the first week was about John Calvin and Hudson Taylor. The message was good, but something especially stuck out to me that I wanted to write down in a place where I could find it again by doing a google search (as opposed to writing it in a journal and then wanting to go back and find it, needing to look through 3-4 journals before I find the right one...)

The topic was about our earthly bodies being tents, and in heaven we'll get bodies that are houses. Tents are leaky and fall apart all the time: temporary. Houses, though, are more permanent and sturdy.

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. (2 Corinthians 5:1)

Then, Noel goes off on a tangent..."You know, no one ever contextualizes the Gospel for geeks...."

Our bodies right now are like beta release software. The bugs and kinks haven't been worked out yet. So God released the beta software in the Garden of Eden. Then sin (a virus) was introduced. Now there are all these software upgrades and patches that need to be installed every so often. When we get to heaven, we'll get the final release software with no need for further upgrades or installs.

That made me laugh and smile. It's an interesting analogy.

Our bodies are temporary and flawed. But Christ, through his perfect sacrifice "has made perfect those who are being made holy" (Hebrews 10:14). There you have it. Any time I get frustrated with my body/appearance, I can just look forward to the final release software...*smile*

Confessions

2009-10-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

Well, last week's menu didn't work out as well as I had planned...

Sunday I ended up eating out because some friends invited me over to the ranch.
Monday I did make dinner, what I had originally planned for Sunday. More potatoes than I could eat in a year...the downside of being single with no roommates...
Tuesday I ate out...orchestra rehearsal
Wednesday...don't remember Wednesday...I feel like I might have eaten out or skipped dinner entirely...really busy evening
Thursday dinner with Lacey's family
Friday breakfast and lunch out (traveling), fancy dinner at Chicago(ish) hotel (but I didn't pay *smile*)
Saturday lunch out with the "gang" in Chicago(ish), fancy dinner at Chicago(ish) hotel (again, I didn't pay *smile*)

This week will maybe be better?

That's all.

P.S. I started reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot....good stuff. She has a way of writing that is authentic to what she was going through, including journal tidbits and scriptures that encouraged her and held her fast during times when she struggled with lonliness or singleness in general, especially when she and Jim Elliot loved each other but needed to be apart.

A Steward of my Singleness

2009-10-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to blog about what I've been learning in regards to relationships. More specifically, dating relationships. Don't get excited, I'm not in one *smile*, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, reading and studying about dating relationships and, in turn, marriage. There are many thoughts that I have about this topic, but they are all jumbled up in my head and I'm not an expert by any means (my last relationship was over 4 years ago...). I just have some thoughts.

I'm not going to write them down here just yet. What I am going to do, though, is write about how I can be using this time of singleness that I have right now to prepare myself for the future. Not that I'm wasting away this time waiting until I "arrive" at married/family life, but things that I can do now that will help my future life whether or not I end up married.

1. Finances:

I need to start a budget and stick to it. I've piddled around with budgeting tools, but I haven't found something that I have sat down and taken the time to plan out everything and make a smart budget to go from.
I need start being more disciplined with keeping my checkbook up to date. With debit card transactions, it's easy to forget to write something down and then only notice when the bank statement is ready. It's a discipline that I need to start making a priority

2. Meals:

One huge priority for me is learning how to plan a menu and stick to it. Do the grocery shopping on the weekend so I have everything I need for the week, and then make the meals! It works even better if I can do some of the prep work the night before so that when I come home at night I just need to stick it in the oven or pan.
Eating out less. This could go under the budget item, too...I just feel like it's such a waste of money!

3. Maintaining a household:

Set a schedule for cleaning, whether it's one day per week that is devoted to cleaning the apt. from top to bottom or smaller chores each day of the week. There needs to be a schedule, and it needs to be a discipline. I have seen how I can become lazy about it and not dust for weeks at a time...if I can't do it in a small apartment, what happens when I have a house? Or 2 kids running around?

There are plenty more things I could add to this list, I'm sure. These are the ones I'm actually working on right now. These are the ones I want people to keep me accountable for. This is where I'd like to see growth. There are other, internal things I'm working on along these lines, too...maybe those will be in another post.

For those who are interested, here's my (proposed) menu for the week: (not good on the eating out category...still working on that one *smile*)
Saturday - Baked chicken, spaghetti squash, salad
Sunday - pork chops, Romano Potatoes, salad
Monday - chicken & broccoli ring, salad
Tuesday - probably fast food or leftovers, orchestra rehearsal 7 - 9:30
Wednesday - pizza, salad
Thursday - dinner with Lacey's parents or out on my own...in Richmond overnight
Friday - will be in Chicago eating a fancy dinner at the Westin Hotel for my Dad's Inauguration (Illinois Optometric Association)

Crazy Love

2009-09-19T13:22:00.000-07:00

So...I'm "reading" (read: listening to) Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I started it this summer while I was determined to go running at the park every so often. The goal was to go more than every so often, but the goal and actuality didn't match up. Anyway, I've been "reading" it, and I have taken to repeating a certain section. I loved it so much that I spent time this week listening to a few seconds, pausing to write it down, then listening to more, writing it down, and repeating that process for about 5-7 minutes of content. I'm not going to repeat it *all* here, because I want you all to read the book (or at least listen to it). I will, however, share some really good nuggets of what I've been listening to, and my thoughts on how I am processing it in my own life.

Here we go...

"Lukewarm living while simultaneously claiming Christ's name is utterly disgusting to God. And when we are honest, we have to admit that it isn't fulfilling or joyful to use, either. But the solution isn't to try harder, fail and then make bigger promises only to fail again. It does no good to muster up more love for God, to will yourself to love him more. When loving him becomes obligation, one of the many things we have to do, we end up focusing even more on ourselves. No wonder so few people want to hear from us about what we ourselves feel is a boring, guilt ridden chore."

It is so easy to get sucked into guilt trips that we set for ourselves. We have lofty goals for ourselves and are quick to forget that we are sinners. When you have been a Christian for a long time, or even a short time, it's easy to "go through the motions" and put on a happy face. It is easy to live at surface level with people and never get past the facade, fooling even yourself into believing that you have it all together. What tends to happen, though, is that the mask wears thin in front of some people, or it cracks when we really look in the mirror of our lives. We mess up, and then are shocked to believe that it happened! If I truly knew that I am a sinner, the true state of my heart and root of my selfishness, I would not be shocked when it manifests itself in my actions or thoughts. I would know that it was my nature, and fight the good fight against it, praising God for his glorious grace that knows all of that junk and loves me still. When we make a list of things to do, people to pray for, bible studies to do, it can easily become a chore, setting our hearts up for failure and disappointment. The cool thing, though, is that God isn't disappointed when we fail. To be disappointed, you need to have high expectations. He doesn't have high expectations for humans. He knows we will fall. That's why Jesus came. (This not to say we should continue sinning with reckless abandonment...Romans 7-8, Galatians 5)

"Prayers for more love result in love, which naturally causes us to pray more, which results in more love. Imagine going for a run while eating a box of Twinkies. Besides being self-defeating and side-ache inducing, it would also be near impossible. You'd have to stop running in order to eat the Twinkies. In the same way, you have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to sin. When you are pursuing love, running toward Christ, you do not have the opportunity to wonder 'Am I doing this right?' or 'Did I serve enough this week?' When you are running toward Christ you are freed up to serve, love and give thanks without guilt, worry or fear. As long as you are running, you are safe. But running is exhausting. If, that is, we are running from sin or guilt or out of fear, or if we haven't run in awhile. However, if we train ourselves to run toward our refuge, toward love, we are free, just as we are called to be. As we begin to focus more on Christ, loving him and others becomes natural. As long as we are pursuing him, we're satisfied in him. It's when we stop actively loving him that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment."

It was very ironic (is that the right word? Did I at least use it better than Alanis did?) to be listening to this for the first time while running, something that I don't do often. He's right. Running is exhausting when you haven't done it in awhile. So is initiating relationships, praying, reading the Bible. When you're out of practice at a musical instrument or sport, it takes time to build up your strength and endurance. The author is saying that love is the same way. If we are out of practice loving God and loving others, we will need time to develop those habits and endurance again. We will need strength that is not our own in order to truly love those people in our life that rub us the wrong way, or that need so much from us when we feel we have nothing else to give. I know when I'm driving somewhere far away, recently those trips have been back home to visit family, going *to* the place is always more bearable and feels faster than coming *home.* The distance is the same, the amount of hours in the car is the same. The difference, though, is the expectancy and excitement of going somewhere, looking forward to spending time with people that I love and miss. Coming home from those times, I'm driving away from a place that I love, going to another place I love, but the place I'm going is normal. It's not nearly as exciting as seeing people that I haven't seen in months. Does that make sense? I'm not feeling very concise/clear.

So...I copied more than I planned...oops. I think this post is long enough.

General idea: Run towards Jesus. He loves you and along the way you will be able to love others and do the things that he wants you to do. If you switch the order, you'll end up feeling guilty and frustrated with yourself.

Community Goals

2009-09-16T04:06:00.000-07:00

Something I was reminded of yesterday at LaFa was the purpose of community in our lives. I want to get this out this morning before it's gone...bear with me.

So many times, I have tried to live life as a list of things not to do, or even as a list of things to do (often in replacement of the things I'm not supposed to do). I've always been a "good kid". That's not what this life is about, though. That's not what a relationship with God looks like. The Bible talks about how the life we have due to our relationship with God through Jesus will be so attractive and so different that people will know something is different about us. They will ask why we do the things we do, why we love our enemies, and how it is possible for us to live with such faith and confidence. Not saying that I already do those things, or that those three statements are the definition of what it means to follow Jesus.

I was just reading in Acts this morning, in response to several people sharing from the book last night at LaFa. I came across the passage that I love, that talks about community, about the first church. They weren't called a church, though, they were called believers, apostles, "The Way."

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hears, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
Acts 2:42-47

Breaking of bread is mentioned several times in that short passage. There is something about eating together that tears down barriers and brings people closer. A goal that I have for the community that I am in and the community that is created when people come together under a common purpose, is to devote ourselves to the word, to fellowship, to the breaking of bread, and to prayer. I think last night was a good example of that, and I just pray that it continues!

...nuggets of wisdom from this weekend...

2009-09-13T18:48:00.001-07:00

I want to blog more regularly, because then maybe people would read and comment on my posts more. And I love that! I want to write not for me, but about what God is doing, in hopes that it will encourage or challenge others. I mean, some of this is for me to process what's going on and put my thoughts into words, but I also want to encourage anyone that reads it.

Enough rambling about my goals for this blog. On to the topic at hand. This weekend I went to the lake with some friends. AMAZING. Six of us shared a house for a 1 1/2 days, and we spent most of Saturday on a boat in the middle of a lake, either pulling wakeboarders, speeding around, or swimming. It was fun. It was also a great time of community with people that I am just starting to get to know. I loved that, too.

Anyway, Saturday morning we all woke up at different times, but as people woke up, some of us were sitting on the patio and we started talking about a lot of different things. I was trying to read through Ephesians and get back into my study of that book, but obviously God didn't want me there, because I kept getting distracted by the conversation and we somehow got on the topic of Solomon and then to Ecclesiastes. I haven't read through Ecclesiastes in a while, so I started flipping through, reminding myself of the content/context.

A couple of nuggets that really stuck out during the conversation (first, personal. second, as a group):

Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you - for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.
Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

So many times in my classroom I am almost paranoid making sure that I know what the students are talking about when I'm not looking. I don't know why I feel like I have to know everything that's in their conversation, or why I think that it's often about me, but something in me wants to know what they are saying all the time. I am learning to let go, and learning that it doesn't matter, and that I don't need and really shouldn't expect to know everything they talk about. They're teenagers. They're going to talk about their teachers. They're also going to talk about a lot of other things that I don't want to hear. Ha.

Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise - why destroy yourself? do not be over wicked and do not be a fool - why die before your time? It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes.
Ecclesiastes 7:16-18

Something that Noel at Riverview talks about a lot is living "razor's edge" Christianity. There is a fine line sometimes from being on the side of either extreme. I have lived at the extremes sometimes, but the goal is balance and discernment. Good stuff.

New Favorite Song

2009-09-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it took me so long to listen to "Remedy" by David Crowder Band...I mean, the album has been out for a year! I'm looking forward to "Church Music" that comes out on Sept. 22, but thanks to Tricia, my roommate for a week, I listened to the full "Remedy" album finally! And I bought it on iTunes today because I can't get one of the sounds out of my head. I love it!

Before I post the lyrics and why I love them so much, I want to say how much of a blessing it was to have a roommate for a week! I got to see Luke & Shel, I had someone to come home to and help make decisions about what to eat and what to do. I had company sitting at a coffee shop getting some work done. Granted, I did forget to keep up with some things (like finance stuff, groceries and dishes), but the joy of having a dear friend at home that I could come home and chat with about anything more than made up for it! So, if you're reading this, Tricia: you're great!

Now for the lyrics *smile*!

Surely We Can Change by DC*B

And the problem is this/ we were bought with a kiss/ but the cheek still turned/ Even when it wasn't hit
And I don't know/What to do with a love like that/ And I don't know/ How do be a love like that
When all the love in the world/ is right here among us/ and hatred too/ And so we must choose/ what our hands will do

Where there is pain/ let there be grace
Where there is suffering/ bring serenity
For those afraid/ help them be brave
Where there is misery/ bring expectancy
And surely we can change/ surely we can change
Something

And the problem it seems/ is with you and with me
Not the love who came/ to repair everything

Where there is pain/ let us bring grace
Where there is suffering/ bring serenity
For those afraid/ let us be brave
Where there is misery/ let us bring them relief
And surely we can change/ surely we can change
Oh surely we can change/ Something

Oh, the world's about to change
The whole world's about to change

I want to love people the way this song talks about...loving with action. It's a beautiful song...you all should listen to it!

Driving in the Dark

2009-08-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

Last Monday night I went to a gathering of people talking about the future of LaFa, the 20-somethings ministry that I have been involved with for the past 6 months or so. We first met at someone's barn, then we traveled to another person's house in Stuarts Draft (a town I'm not very familiar with...smaller than Staunton, a lot of farmland). We drank coffee, talked, prayed, drank more coffee and talked some more and before we all knew it, it was 11:30pm. I, for one, had to work the next morning, so I realized I needed to go home.

Because we met somewhere else and then drove to the house, I didn't quite know what the best way was to get to the highway. I didn't have my GPS with me, so lucky for me someone offered to let me follow him, because he was headed to the highway, too.

If you know me well, you are probably aware that I don't like driving at night. I'd much rather do my long trips during daylight hours. It's not that I can't drive at night, it's just that I don't feel as though I see as well, especially with the constant changes between headlights blaring in your eyes and then full darkness ahead. As we were driving, I was able to keep a good distance behind the car I was following, and we were on our merry way.

At one point, I thought I knew where we were, and I thought I knew where we were going. I was surprised, then, when we turned onto a small (and very dark) windy country road instead of sticking to the "main drag". It was on this small and windy road that I realized something. Once-in-awhile, the car ahead of me would be around a bend or over a hill, and I wouldn't be able to see it. In those moments, even though I knew that the car was still ahead of me, I felt my heartbeat quicken and my thoughts go to, "What if he turns and I don't see him, I don't think I can get home from here..." Then I would see him again and everything would be fine.

The thing that I realized is that I'm like this a lot with my relationship with God. I'll be walking along, doing the things that I know are good and meaningful in my life. Then I'll start to recognize the path that I'm on, the experiences I'm having, the feelings I have, and I'll think that I know where I'm headed. Then, because God knows better than I what is best, he'll throw me a curve ball and take me down a dark and windy road with nothing but his light in front of me. I can't necessarily see my surroundings, I don't know when the road is going to turn, sometimes I can't even see the light in front of me and I have to just keep going, trusting that it will be there on the other side of the hill. When I am in times like this I feel the same way as when I was driving down the road late at night, "Is this really the right place? How will I get where I need to go if we go this way?" My heart quickens and my mind thinks about all the ways that I might have to figure out where I am, in case I somehow followed the wrong path or missed a turn (opportunity).

The cure for that feeling, I think, is quiet dependence: something I'm not very practiced at. I know God is at work in my life, and I know he is working all things together for the good of those who love him. I trust him to lead me where I need to go. I just don't know where that might be, nor do I know any sort of time frames for anything. It's okay, I tell myself, I don't need to have all the answers right now. Just keep following that light.

To-Do

2009-08-16T19:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a productive one. I made a list and actually accomplished a lot of it! If I knew how to do the strike-through text feature in Blogger, I would totally put my whole list on here for you all to see what I finished. For now I'll just say that I cleaned my apt. from top to bottom (aside from vacuuming the upstairs, everything else is finished...including scrubbing the floors!), planned a menu of food to eat for the week, went grocery shopping, ran some errands, played a game of kickball with my church, and finished my laundry.

Things that weren't finished...
go for a run
repot spider plant
deliver tricycle
Algebra 2
Submit AP Calc syllabus
call Jason
Blog re: relationships (at least I'm blogging about something)
oil change
finances

It's 10:30 and I need to work tomorrow...I'm going to bed and hopefully more of this stuff will get done by the end of the week.

Things that I did this weekend that weren't even on my list. *smile*
Long chat with Carolyn
break my garbage disposal (*sad*)
find and take pictures of 28/38 letters for use in my classroom

Morning thoughts

2009-08-07T05:59:00.001-07:00

In the interest in resurrecting this blog, I'm going to try to be more regular in posting. Looks like I made it once/week so far..haha. We'll see if I can keep this up when the school year starts (work days start on Monday for me!).

Couple things...

I've been reading through the gospels as a sort of survey...reading them fairly quickly getting main themes and seeing how they relate to one another and being reminded of the main teachings of Jesus. All he did was teach. I noticed something this morning while I was reading in Mark.

On Wednesday night, at my kickball game, I was talking to another one of the teachers from VSDB that has two children (2 yrs and <1yr). She was talking about how, since we start work on Monday, she has been preparing her 2-yr-old by telling him, "On Monday, Mommy is going to work. You're going to go play with __________(insert name of babysitter, grandparent, aunt, uncle or whomever is taking the caregiving role while the mom is at work)". The child promptly responded again and again with "No mommy, no work. Mommy stay." She continued to prepare him by telling him everyday, maybe several times each day, I'm not sure.

The connection I made this morning was in regards to Jesus telling his disciples that he was going to be crucified and three days later he would rise from the dead. The first time it is mentioned in Mark, is chapter 8 verses 31-38. Jesus taught them that he was going to suffer many things, be rejected by elders and other leaders, and that he would be killed, three days later to rise again. After he said this, Peter took him aside and, like the 2-yr-old said, "No, Jesus, don't die. Stay here with us." Jesus' response was to rebuke Peter, because Peter couldn't see God's plan through his emotion.

Jesus predicts his death again in Mark 10:32-34. This time he tells them, "We are going to Jerusalem. I will be betrayed to the chief priests and teachers of the law. They will put me to death. They will mock me, spit on me, flog me and kill me. Three days later I will rise." (my paraphrase). This time the disciples' reactions are not mentioned, but I can imagine that they all sat around (or stood around) listening to this thinking, again, "NO! Don't leave us!" But Jesus had to leave them in order to make a way for them and all of us to access God. He had to die, because of all of the sin in my life that keeps me from being in a relationship with God. He had to die and rise from the dead to conquer that sin and death once for all.

That's my new perspective for the day. Stay tuned to read about my new perspectives on dating and relationships...something I've been thinking/reading a lot about recently...

Relationship with our Father...two ways to miss out

2009-07-31T06:45:00.001-07:00

In the past few weeks, at church and LaFa I've run into a similar message. I thought that it would be a good time to resurrect this blog by writing out my thoughts and new insights about the familiar passage. To any/all who actually will read this, happy reading!

The passage that we talked about comes from Luke 15, the parable Jesus told about the "prodigal" or sometimes translated "lost" son. It came up in church one morning and at LaFa last week we listened to a recording of Walter Jacobsen from his "Transition" series connected to the same passage. Without reprinting the whole passage (which you can find here), here's the basic synopsis:

A man has 2 sons. The younger one (probably in his teens/twenties) approaches him one day and asks for his inheritance. The father gives it to him. Then the younger son goes to a far away place and lives wildly, spending his money freely and doing whatever he wants. A famine hits the land where he's living and suddenly he has nothing and no way to even get food. He ends up working for a pig farmer, and was so hungry that the pigs' slop looked appetizing. The son decided that he would go back to his father and beg to be hired on as a servant.

On his way home, while he was still far away, his father saw him and ran out to meet him. The son had prepared a speech "I've sinned again heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son." The father simply said to his servants, "Get the robe and ring, get him some sandals, kill the fattened calf, we're going to celebrate that my son is home!"

The older brother, who had been home the whole time with his father, heard about the party that was going on for his brother and became upset. He didn't want to join the party so his father came out to try and convince him. The son complained to his father, saying "I've been working for you all these years, I've always been here, and you've never let me even kill one of the goats to party with my friends. Now my brother comes home after spending his entire inheritance on whatever he felt like, and you throw him the biggest party ever!" The father replied, "You are always with me and everything that I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad because your brother was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."
(My paraphrase of Luke 15:11-32)

Something that came up in the discussion at LaFa that I never really gave much thought to was the relationship that each son had with the father at the beginning of the story. The younger son basically treated his father as though he was already dead. (Can you imagine going up to your dad and saying, "I want my inheritance in cash so I can leave town"?!?). He left town, severing the relationship even further. The older son, though, didn't have the greatest relationship with his father, either, I'm assuming. Based on his reaction to his father's actions when his brother returned, the brother seemed to have some issues with his father, too. Basically, he seemed to be working for his dad out of an obligation, not out of love.

Let's look at the younger son for a minute. He leaves, lives on his own for awhile just fine, then famine hits. He suddenly has no food to eat, nothing. He realizes then that he can't make it on his own. He needs his father, even if he could just be a hired hand on his father's property, at least he would have food to eat! He decides to go back, he will pay back his father if his father will accept him.

How often I approach God with the attitude that the younger son had. I behave as though I need to repay God for the sin in my life. I repent and ask for forgiveness, but then I still feel the need to "do" all this other stuff in order to be acceptable in His eyes. The truth, though, is seen in how this father responds to his son's return.

The son comes back. He probably received a lot of dirty looks as he walked back to his dad's property. He probably was filthy, clothed in rags, and the object of much shame. Before he gets home, though, his dad runs out to greet him. Back in that time, men wore long robes and sandals and in order to run, the robes needed to be lifted up off the ground to prevent tripping. Didn't happen often. Running was considered to be shameful. Walter Jacobsen said something along the lines of, "The father ran, showing that he didn't want his son to be hurting for one minute longer than it took him to come back. By running to meet his son, the father brought more shame on himself than the son had." In effect, the father ran, causing everyone's eyes to look at him instead of his son.

The shame and guilt that I feel has already been taken on by Jesus. Through him I am acceptable. The father didn't respond or react to his son's speech...he just started giving orders to his servants to prepare a party. The father is *thrilled* that the son is back.

Okay, now back to the older son. He's ticked that his dad is throwing a party for his delinquent brother. The father's statement that "All I have is yours" is true. He divided his assets, giving half to the younger brother and keeping the rest, in effect, the older brother's inheritance. The brother missed the blessing of it all and the time spent with his father because he was working hard, trying to earn his father's favor, trying to do everything he could just so his father might let him throw a party for all his friends.

The older brother was living in the role of the "good" son. He missed the point. Much like I often do the "right" things because I know they are the right things, or minister because I know I should be ministering or whatever, following those rules in such a legalistic way causes you to get burnt out and miss out on the point of the story and the reason Jesus came.

The younger son needed to fall flat on his face before he realized that he needed his father. Even then, he thought that he wasn't worthy of being called "son," so he wanted to work as a servant. The father accepted him, though, as though he always knew he would come back. He never said anything about repayment or "I told you so" or anything.

Did the father love one of his sons more than the other? No. Did he love his sons less at the beginning of the story than at the end? No. The father's love never changed. The most painful time for the dad was probably when his youngest son asked him for the inheritance and then left. The father knew that he needed to let him go in order to ever have a relationship with him in the future.

God doesn't want our obedience for obedience sake. He wants a relationship with us, where we come to him out of our love for him not out of obligation. What would my life look like if I read my Bible with the enthusiasm that I read the Harry Potter books? What would it look like if I talked to God (in prayer), spilling my guts, laughing and crying like I would with one of my best girls?

emotional

2009-05-11T14:38:00.001-07:00

I'm not very good at blogging...

Feeling pretty emotional today. Had a meeting with a pastor from my church about new membership stuff and I couldn't help myself from feeling inadequate. I know that alone I am, but I also know that in Christ I am not. So why the nagging feeling that I'm not good enough at anything?

I first believed in Christ as a personal savior when I was 16. I knew of him before that and I knew the basic idea of redemption, but I didn't understand it on a personal level. In college, I started following Christ. Looking toward the Bible and seeking God in decision making, trying to live a life of gratitude and service to him. God really moved in my life during college. He taught me many things about myself and others, and I saw him at work in my life and in the lives of the people around me. I fear I have become stagnant in the past year and a half, immune to what God is doing around me and hardened to watching him work in the lives of others.

The pastor asked me today if I had ever been water baptized. I was, as a baby, but not since I became a Christian. Part of me has always wanted my parents to be there for it, or for them to understand why I am doing it. I don't think that they would, nor do I think they could be there. It's not practical now that I live halfway across the country.

My heart is just sad today. And I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I am realizing just how little faith I have, and maybe part of it is because I don't really know how to change. I guess I'll be praying for some wisdom and guidance, and for the forgiveness of my unbelief.

God is who he says he is
God can do what he says he can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ
...
what was the last one?
-beth moore "believing God" (ironically that series was what led me to start this blog...)

Photo Mosaic

2009-03-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

1. Jessica(s), 2. "steak and potatoes", 3. green ON green, 4. coffee & the city, 5. the amazing scenery of Prince William Sound, Alaska., 6. Fall Apart, 7. Ode to Ordinary Friends: my books, 8. Healing broken relationships, 9. table for two

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/)
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s Mosaic Maker (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php)
d. Save the image and post it on a note!

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your favorite color?
4. Favorite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite Hobby?
7. What you want to be/do when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. One word to describe you?

"Snow Days"

2009-01-27T15:31:00.001-08:00

Today should have been a snow day. All of the schools in our area were closed. It was icy and freezing rain mixed with snow all day, so I don't blame them. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but explaining. My school didn't have a snow day. This makes sense because most of the students are already at school (It's a residential school...they arrive Sunday night and leave Friday afternoon), so there need to be people there to supervise them. Also, if your full class is there, you might as well teach them something! I guess I never really thoughts "snow days" would be like this, though.

Last year, I worked at MSD for a semester and we had our fair share of "snow days". It still meant that I need to be at school, but because I worked in the elementary, most, if not all, of my students were day students (that rode a bus to and from school everyday). So on "snow days" when the surrounding districts were closed, we technically shouldn't have had any students, but were still required to be there. This was GREAT for me, because I could catch up on planning/grading/MSU work. We ended up having 1 or 2 students each snow day, but often there were a total of 8 for the whole elementary (K-5), so we combined them and rotated who would supervise. Still awesome, lots of planning time.

Today wasn't like that. All of my students that were there yesterday, showed up today. Normal teaching and learning happened. Just another day.

Oh, and my mailbox is frozen shut. :-(

25 things...

2009-01-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I hate making decisions, especially big ones.
2. I rarely become stressed out, but when I do, I almost become paralyzed by the weight of everything that needs to be done.
3. I am a sucker for sappy movies and lyrics.
4. Most of my friends in high school were guys.
5. Most of my friends in college were girls.
6. I watch entirely too much TV.
7. Money stresses me out (see #2)
8. I wish I had a personal finance class in high school. Now I'm teaching one.
9. I wish that I prayed more than I do.
10. I don't really know what it's like to "date"
11. I talk to myself all the time.
12. When I'm driving in the car, I like to try to sign along with the songs that are on the radio in a way that is conceptually accurate (and no, that's not supposed to say "sing")
13. I'm really excited for some of my friends to come visit this summer.
14. I really feel connected to people when I get to spend some one-on-one time with them.
15. Half of my belongings are still in Illinois, and I keep thinking of things that are sitting in my parents' garage that I wish were here.
16. The city of Chicago is one of my favorite places in the world.
17. One of my favorite songs right now is called, "Boys with Girlfriends" by Meiko. It's funny.
18. I have my old license plate nailed to the wall above my bed.
19. I got a "You Might Be a Redneck If..." page-a-day calendar for Christmas this year from one of my best friends. (I guess he thinks I moved to the backwoods or something...)
20. I want to be a better teacher than I am.
21. I would love to take a ballroom dance class, or a swing class (just need to find the right partner!)
22. I wake up 1 1/2 hours before I need to leave my house because I like to take my time and read while I eat breakfast in the morning before school.
23. I eat entirely too much fast food.
24. I want to be more organized at school and at home.
25. I always wear a ring on my right hand ring finger that says "Trust in the Lord with all your hear and lean not on your own understanding" in Hebrew (but I can't actually read Hebrew to make sure). I lost my Celtic knot ring that I used to wear on my left hand middle finger. :-(

There you go! That was harder than I thought it would be, but made for a good break from my planning work. Toodles. :-)

Community

2009-01-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

First, another quote that fits my mood from Monday:

"Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation. He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave."
-Mighty to Save

For what is impossible with man is possible with God.
-Luke 18:27

On a completely different note, I went to a 20-somethings church gathering last night called La-fa (La familia, for those who are interested...took some research). It's a group of people getting together to build relationships, learn and grow together. They alternate between having large group meetings with praise music and a "message", and small group meetings at peoples' homes. Last night was a large group meeting.

The topic was "community." Actually, the first thing that the leader mentioned was "Facebook is not real community."

Let me tell you, I love talking about and learning about community. I think this stems from an experience of real community that I had a couple summers ago. Twelve people from different backgrounds, experiences, and personalities got together and lived in the same house for 2 weeks while serving in ministry together (not to mention the week before we moved in...spending 18 hours on a plane and a week in a foreign country with people you just met...that'll bring you close and teach you a lot about each other and yourself...).

It was refreshing to talk about community last night, and to see the desire that people have to create communities where they are. I hope that I can get to know these people that I met a little better. Since I left college, I haven't had the same sort of experiences feeling deeply connected with a group of people and knowing that I could be blatantly honest with them and they would love me anyway. I know those types of relationships can be scary and take time, but I think they are crucial for growth and also for me to keep myself in check!

Long story short: I had a good time, I was reminded of some dear friends and our time together, and I look forward to going back and seeing where it goes.

I am way too wordy...I need to learn some lessons from this guy: 22 Words

some scriptures suitable for my mood...

2009-01-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

No One is Righteous

9What shall we conclude then? Are we any better^[b]? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. 10As it is written:
"There is no one righteous, not even one;
11there is no one who understands,
no one who seeks God.
12All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one."^[c]
13"Their throats are open graves;
their tongues practice deceit."^[d]
"The poison of vipers is on their lips."^[e]
14"Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness."^[f]
15"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
16ruin and misery mark their ways,
17and the way of peace they do not know."^[g]
18"There is no fear of God before their eyes."^{[h]
(romans 3: 9-17)}

"...death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.

15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification."

(romans 5:14-16)

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139)

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."^[l] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
(romans 8:35-39)

Happy New Year!

2009-01-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

At the start of a new year I always like to look back at my journals from the past year and see how far I've come, where God has taken me, and what I have learned. The problem with this year is that I can't find my journal from the first part of the year! I have one more place I can look, and I will...I'll keep you posted. Here are some highlights from the year:

January: Started my Deaf Ed student teaching...2nd grade at Michigan School for the Deaf...LOVED IT.

February (i think...): Settled on a church in Swartz Creek and finally felt "at home" at church.

March: Continued student teaching, taking more responsibility in the classroom. Finished the rainforest unit with my students.

April: Finished my internship year and left MSU!

May: substitute taught and applied for jobs all over the midwest/east coast. Christian had a rough patch after his feeding tube surgery.

June: Interviewed and accepted a job at VSDB. Stood up in a wedding for two dear friends in Baltimore. Visited my friends on the east coast and visited the school. Moved back to my parents' house for the summer.

July: hosted two wedding showers for my sister and a bachelorette party. Attended another bridal shower for a dear friend from home.

August: Moved to Staunton, VA. Started my first real teaching job. Found an apartment.

September: Stood up in a wedding of two dear friends from home (in Illinois...on the day Hurricane Ike blew through the midwest). Stood up in my sister's wedding (in Indianapolis). Joined the Stonewall Brigade Band. :-)

October: Went flying in a small plane around the Shenandoah Valley. Hiked one of the tallest mountains in Virginia.

November: Drove back to Illinois for Thanksgiving to see my family and friends in Illinois.

December: Flew home for Christmas vacation to spend time with family and friends in Illinois.

2008 was busy and eventful. I'm excited to see what 2009 will bring. Resolutions might come to me in the next week or so. If they do, I'll post them (it makes them more real if other people know about them). Happy new year!

Highlight of the Day

2008-12-17T19:51:00.000-08:00

Today was an interesting day. The teacher that I replaced is back from grad school on break and visiting school for the rest of the week...slightly intimidating for me, especially because I have felt so overwhelmed this week and I am using a lot of her materials from last year! :-) It's okay...she told me I could. ;-)

Why am I overwhelmed you ask? Homecoming. Tomorrow is homecoming at school. I'm a sponsor for our student government/student council, which means it's been my responsibility to make sure that the students are supervised while they decorate the gym. I've also been tutoring 2.5 hours per night Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

Anyway, on to the title of this post. I was on facebook, catching up on my recent wall posts and the newsfeed when I get a message through facebook chat. It's from a friend that I take to every once-in-awhile, so I keep chatting. Then another facebook chat window pops up from a friend I haven't talked to in ages. She is going to be in Chicago the same time I am and wants to hang out/catch up. So we plan for sometime on the 23rd. Then a third facebook chat window pops up from another friend I haven't really talked to since June. Turns out he's going to be in Chicago on the 23rd, too. And we're going to try and hang out.

I feel so loved!

Feeling like an adult...and somewhat domestic

2008-12-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

Days like today make me appreciate the sheer busyness of life, and make me realize that "housewives" and "stay-at-home moms" are not ladies of leisure sitting at home eating bon-bons all day.

Not that I had the day off, but the amount of errands I ran after work today made me realize even more how much time everything takes.

I had to go to a craft store to check prices for beads (and make sure they had individual letters, since we only want VSD and B) for a potential fundraising idea for the sophomore class. Then I went to Walmart to print a picture for my classroom. I went to some other stores to get some Christmas shopping done/at least started. ;-) I bought a washer and dryer (expensive, and unfortunately it won't be here until at least Friday...I was kinda hoping it would be here tomorrow...). I then went back to Walmart because it was the closest grocery-type store for me to buy supplies for the dish I'm making for the potluck tomorrow. I got home for the first time at 9:00.

When I got home, I started "prep" work for the dish I'm making for tomorrow. I decided to make Grandma's Minestrone soup. :-) So I chopped carrots, celery, onions, and parsley, and put them in my fancy new prep bowls from Pampered Chef (I LOVE them because they are marked with measurements!). After that, I organized my bills a little and sorted my recyclables...I needed to amke room for the new washer and dryer!

And then it was 10:00. I haven't even started the cleaning that I wanted to do tonight. Oh, well. Such is the life of a "grown-up"

5 things

2008-12-07T18:05:00.001-08:00

This looked like fun. :-)

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:

Learning music for the Blue Lake International Symphony Band
being a typical 8th grader ;-)
learning Algebra
growing up fast through friends' suicidal thoughts
being boycrazy

5 things on my To Do list tomorrow:

Ask a couple of teachers questions about a specific student
Make a study guide about writing equations in slope intercept form
Update IEP progress
Find a recycling drop-off center
Make a list of addresses for Christmas cards

5 snacks I like:

Apples with caramel
chips and salsa
fruit snacks
Cheez-its
chips and dip

5 things I would do if I was a millionaire

pay off my debt
buy a house
give to people who need it
save some
go back to school?

5 places I have lived:

Orland Park, IL
Bloomington, IL
East Lansing, MI
Swartz Creek, MI
Staunton, VA

5 jobs I have had:

Quinlan & Fabish Music Co (stocking shelves, organizing, etc)
Dr. Jerry Chow, M.D. (personal assistant for the nurse manager/filing)
Math grader/tutor
Babysitter
Virginia School for the Deaf (HS Math teacher)

Lockdown drills

2008-12-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today after school we had a staff meeting. No big deal, staff meetings are normal. One of the topics that we discussed made me sad, though. As you can tell by the title of this post, it was the topic of lockdown.

I completely understand the necessity of having a procedure and a policy for lockdown. I also understand that in order for the procedure to work well, just as in the case of fire or tornado alarms, there must be practice. The thing that makes me sad is that there is a need for this sort of thing. There is a very real danger in the world today that students, teachers, or strangers could walk onto the campus of my school with the intent to harm themselves, others, or both. That breaks my heart. What makes violence the answer? What makes people, especially children, think that they can solve their problems by using violence or that anything is so bad that they need to harm themselves? I know this is no new phenomena, but I am still curious.

I think it was Shane Claiborne that wrote about how violence teaches violence, and until we as a nation stop dealing with our problems through violence, we will continue to have violence in our nation, as well. I'm not saying that I agree whole heartedly with Mr. Claiborne, but I do think it kinda makes sense. I don't want to blame the media or blame the government. And I certainly don't want to blame parents or teachers. It can't just be in the water, though. Something must have changed over the past 40 years (that is an insignificant number...I know that it is more than ten years but probably less than 50). When my parents were in school there was no thought in anyone's mind that a kid or anyone for that matter would bring a gun to school. What's changed?

Suicide among teenagers has always been an issue, I feel. It seems more and more apparent, though. I try to teach my students not to even joke about something as serious as killing themselves. What makes them think it's okay in the first place?

My heart yearns for hope to spread. I want to see people really believe that there is purpose to this life, and that they are loved. I'm going to work on showing that more. And believing it more myself, too. :-)

creativity

2008-12-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

I'm looking for good ideas of text to use for Wordle. I think I could easily become addicted. It's just fun to play with what types of text you put in and how it looks. I like it.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, meaning Christmas is soon! I'm excited for that. Two and a half weeks and I'll be back in Illinois for more time with family and friends of old. Not that the friends that I've made here aren't old. ;-)

Being at my parent's houses ("home") is always good, but I occasionally struggle when coming back home (to my apartment and job). I like vacation a lot. I like being able to just call up one of my friends (or my one friend?) and go shopping, or see a movie, or just hang out playing rock band. I also enjoy spending time chatting with family and just spending time. I do miss that. It's not that I'm homesick...I think I just appreciated the time and relaxation that I was able to have, and I wish that it could have been longer.

Christmas is coming, though. :-) I'm getting excited about some of the creative ideas that I have for my secret santa gifts...I hope they work out as cool as I want them to.

I'm not the MOST creative person in the world, but when I get on a roll, I just want to make really cool things. I think Wordle has made me want to be more creative...I want to find/make something to put on my wall...I like quotations, always have...now I just need to find a really good one...

Wordle...fun!

2008-11-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

Here is a word cloud of the words in my blog! Check out how you can have fun with words at wordle !

Victory for MSU

2008-10-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

In honor of MSU beating Michigan for the first time since 2001 (and for the first time in Ann Arbor since 1990)...the original words to the MSU Fight song. :-)

On the banks of the Red Cedar, there's a school that's known to all.
It's specialty is winning, and those Spartans play good ball.
Spartan teams are never beaten, all through the game they'll fight,
Fight for the only colors, GREEN and WHITE.

Smash right through that line of blue, watch the points keep growing,
Spartan teams are bound to win, they're fighting with a vim, RAH RAH RAH.
Michigan is weakening, we're going to win this game.
FIGHT, FIGHT, RAH team FIGHT
VICTORY FOR MSU!

"Out of the mouths of babes..."

2008-10-02T18:39:00.000-07:00

...well, 14 to 19-year-olds...

"Did you get your eyebrows waxed?"

*to another student* "Jessica's your mom"
*other student* -freaks out-
Me: "I'm not old enough to be your mom!"
"How old are you?"
"Are you not comfortable being a mom?"

Student:"Do you have a boyfriend?"
Me: "No, I've been single for 4 years"
Student: *freaks out* 4 years! You should date, and get married and live happily ever after

("overheard" between two students) "The two of you should have sex like monkeys"
Me: "What?!?!?"
Other student: "Did you see her face when you said that?!"
First student: "My bad...sorry"

I feel like I'm becoming one of those teachers that goes off on tangents easily...but it's fun! We've had tons of random conversations in one of my classes...they need some of the experience/exposure...(at least that's my excuse...)

On another note...today one of my students played battleship online where he had to solve equations correctly in order to get hits... In another class, we played desktop dodgeball with chances to throw the ball for solving equations correctly. It was pretty crazy...the kids were laying on the floor rushing to solve the problem so they could throw the ball at these little wooden kids. Thanks to Jason for the game! :-)

That's all. :-)

Updates

2008-10-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've been reading updates from my friends in other countries recently..they are so good at writing about what they are learning from God and how they are adapting to their new country/culture. Reading their letters makes me think that I should write some updates! I know that these friends need to send updates, because they are being financially and prayerfully supported in ministry. But you know what? I'm being prayerfully supported in my job. Maybe I should start thinking about how I can update people that are supporting me. Updates like pictures, stories, and lessons that I'm learning...hmm...

For those who read this, know that I love hearing updates. :-)

I'm going to think some more about the whole "writing updates" subject. I'll keep you posted.

I'm also determined that this weekend is going to be the time when I order a futon mattress, a desk chair, and start organizing my apartment so I don't have papers all over the floor all the time. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

funny

2008-09-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

I'm home. :-) Finally.

All in all it was a good trip. See Facebook for pictures later this week, I think.

Something random that I came across while googling my name (every once-in-awhile you should do this, see what you come up with...especially if you're a teacher...)

www.brtva.org

it has NOTHING to do with anyone I'm related to. That's the funny part. My name can be an acronym. Who knew?

Plans

2008-09-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

"Nothing is by chance...No detail is forgotten in my plans for you" -Two Listeners

This is from a Christian quote of the day thing that I have setup for my igoogle homepage...

I post it here because it is frustratingly accurate today. Or maybe it's just frustrating that I know it is true, but it is hard to believe today.

I spent the weekend in Chicago for Kelly and Mark's wedding. SO FUN. :-) I loved it. True, it rained (really hard at times), but we had a good time dancing and celebrating with a lot of people that I haven't seen very often in a long time.

I know it was a short trip, but I really wanted to be there for the wedding, and I had been planning on it for a year before I even knew I was moving to Virginia...so I made a weekend out of it.

I was supposed to get on a plane at 5:00 today, and get home by 11:00 tonight. I had 2 connections: Cleveland and Washington, DC.

I arrived at the airport thinking that despite the rain, my plane would be fine, because it was just a sprinkle. When I found out that my flight was delayed, though, I wasn't too surprised...maybe it was worse than I thought. The problem came, though, that my layovers were not long enough to accomodate any delay at all...the delay from Chicago to Cleveland would cause me to miss my connecting flight to Washington...and missing that flight meant there was no way I would get back to the Shenendoah Valley Airport tonight....

The agent checked other flights into Dulles Airport (in Washington), but they all were either delayed because of weather or other issues.

I was so surprised when she offered me a hotel voucher, because my flight wasn't delayed because of weather...it was delayed because of problems with the crew (if a flight is delayed because of weather, they won't pay for your accommodations...).

So...nothing happens by chance.... What is this supposed to teach me? Why am I stuck at a hotel in Rosemont, IL (because my parents live an hour away and didn't want to turn around and come back after dropping me off and driving home, let alone drive me back here tomorrow morning for my flight...)?

I should probably spend more of my energy looking for "divine appointments" and less of it complaining/wondering why I'm here.

Random Observations from a Virginian College Town...

2008-08-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

On a completely lighter note from the last post, here are some things I observed yesterday while I was driving around Charlottesville, VA before the USC @ UVA football game yesterday:

If you are female, you are most likely going to be wearing some sort of sundress and flats/flip flops. I hope that some of them were not going to the game, and just socializing...sundresses seem inappropriate attire for a football game, no matter the heat.
If you are male, it is perfectly appropriate to wear a long sleeve button up dress shirt with shorts and flip flops. Bonus points for wearing a tie and a backwards baseball cap. (Seriously, who does that?)
I drove around for awhile and still couldn't tell precisely where the football stadium was...stupid hills (I really like them, but you can't see past them)
There are more USC fans in Virginia than I thought there would be. Are they one of those bandwagon teams like the Yankees where everyone likes them because they win all the time?
A "hoo" is some form of Cavalier? I'm still trying to figure out what the actual UVA mascot is.
There are Smoothie King stores in South Korea...who knew? I had never heard of it before, but the South Korean transfer student I met had been there dozens of times in his country.

That's all. :-)

Thoughts on being Revolutionary...

2008-08-31T16:32:00.000-07:00

When I moved to Virginia, I finally started reading, "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. I've wanted to read this book for awhile, but never actually sat down and read it. Moving allowed me to have some time by myself, some time without cable, and even some time without internet that I have decided to use reading this book. I am not yet finished, but will most likely read the rest of it before bed tonight.

All that being said, I have some thoughts connected with the book, and somewhat connected to the movie, "Swing Kids" that I watched this evening, too.

First of all, Shane Claiborne is a very powerful writer. He uses anecdotes from his own life/experience mixed quotations from noted peacemakers, revolutionaries, and protesters. Much of this book has tugged at the strings of my heart, making me want to live life differently, to go out and make peace instead of sitting at home safe and comfortable. It's made me want to be less tied to material things (of which the Bible says we should not tie ourselves anyway), and live more fully out of real physical love for people. I don't mean romantic love, or "I love you, too," kind of love. I mean love that causes you to give up what you had planned or your comfort for the sake of another person. The kind of love that will invite a homeless person into your house on a cold night, give someone your coat, share a meal with someone your complete opposite. That kind of love.

I have sections underlined, and notes along the margins of this book, as with many of my books, but so far I have yet to apply most of what I am underlining/thinking about. I want to apply it, I just don't know where or how yet.

Connecting the book to "Swing Kids," as I was watching, some of the statements from the main character who is a member of Hitler's Youth, but hates the Nazis, remind me of what Shane has to say about us. In both texts (yes, a movie is a text...), there is a call for non-conformism. There is a call to rise out of complacency and stand for something that you believe in, no matter the cost to your comfort or security. There is a call to look at people differently than most do, and a call for change.

While our country is not like Nazi Germany, nor will it likely become like Nazi Germany, there are still aspects of our government and social systems that oppress and impoverish. There are people working harder than I ever will for probably less than 1/3 of my salary (not saying that teachers are the most well paid professionals, either). There are vast divisions between the rich and the poor, and those chasms are growing wider by the day. People are very big into supporting "issues" and "causes" these days, but do people support people? Instead of thinking about what I am not, or what I don't agree with or believe in, I want to think about what I am, what I do believe. I want to think about supporting love, and supporting people who are both like me and unlike me. I want to be a revolutionary for grace and for love in this world. I'm still figuring out how....

I'll leave this post with a quote, from "Momma T" according to Shane, more well known as Mother Teresa:

We can do no great things, only small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it.

Today...(and tomorrow, and forever) Small things with great love....Thanks for the ideas, Shane.

First Day of School

2008-08-25T16:34:00.001-07:00

It's official. I'm a teacher.

I say that now, after my first day as a teacher with no "cooperating teacher" to report to, no "field instructor" to observe me, and no "professor" to give me assignments to make sure I'm planning lessons. No, now I have a "principal" to come in an check on me, making sure everything's going okay. I have a "colleague" (well, more than one, but one other high school math teacher) to run to when I need an idea or have a question about how else something can be done. I have a "mentor" to help show me the ropes of the school and ease my transition. I am a teacher.

Now that the first day is over, I can think about how I can do things differently tomorrow to make it better. Before today, I questioned how I could ever get to know individual students and their work patterns quickly, how to distinguish between them and make sure I'm meeting each of their needs. I'm still working on it, but it's amazing how much you can learn about a kid (or 6 of them at a time) in an hour and a half.

One of the students had a real, "aha" moment today. I didn't think she would ever understand how to substitute a number for a variable without prompting, but by the end of class, she did it! She was so proud of herself, too. :-)

Love

2008-06-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

Interesting quotes, again from the TWLOHA blog:

"...Love is a thousand things but at the center is a choice. It is a choice to love people. Left to myself, i get quiet and bitter and critical. i get angry. i feel sorry for myself. It is a choice to love people. It is a choice to be kind. It is a choice to be patient, to be honest, to live with grace..."

"...i have learned that it's a lot easier to talk about loving people than it is to actually love people. It is easier to talk about community than it is to live in community. Honestly, i mostly suck at both. i am good at being short with people and i have gotten really good at being quiet..."

I connected with both of those quotes. It is hard to make the choice to do something the right way the first time out of love. To actually live in community takes sacrifice and service. Self-centeredness takes much less energy.

Suicide Prevention

2008-06-12T11:03:00.001-07:00

Some of you don't know this about me. I'm passionate that there is a way to prevent suicide. Over the years I had 2 friends seriously contemplate killing themselves, confiding their plan to me. I have had others confess their struggles with suicidal thoughts to me, as well. When I heard the story of the organization To Write Love on Her Arms, it resonated with my heart. I thank my friend Jason for introducing me to it, and I wish that I were more involved with the mission of the organization.

That being said, here is something they posted on their facebook/myspace site just recently. It's a clip from CNN about a man in Japan making a difference. He is taking the time to listen and to give hope. He literally meets these people on the cliff where they are planning and waiting for the right moment to jump. I want to be that kind of a friend. I want to be literally and figuratively someone who will make a point to intervene when the warning signs appear. Here's his story.

Ups and Downs

2008-06-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

Let's start with the Ups:

I have a job for the fall! I'll be teaching high school algebra at Virginia School for the Deaf. :-)
I'm leaving for Baltimore tomorrow for Shelbie and Luke's wedding, and then to visit Twila, Katie and Josh
While I'm out East, I'm going to have a chance to visit the school/town that I'll be working/living in!
My family is extremely generous.

Along with that there are a few Downs:

I have about $400 to my name, and no real source of income until after August 15th.
This weekend is going to be expensive...
Moving to Virginia means leaving family and friends in Michigan and Illinois
Moving is expensive...
I hate having a balance on my credit card that I can't pay...and I'm already there.

I'm having a hard time trusting God with my finances right now. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through the summer...especially with traveling and bridal showers. I know it will all work out, but right now just taking a look at my bank statements makes me concerned. Trust, Jess...just trust.

Devastation

2008-05-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have been substitute teaching. Now, subbing is great because I get to go to school and spend time with the kids, teaching and interacting with them, with none of the work. The teacher that I'm subbing for has planned everything for me, and I'm only going to be there for a short time (one day at times, this time it was 4 days), so I don't need to plan for the future, either. This means that during my prep time I have nothing to do. :) It's great.

This week during my prep time, I spent a lot of time on my iGoogle webpage, catching up reading blogs and on news. I've never been much of a fan for news, but for some reason the stories about the cyclone in Myanmar have intrigued me. I first heard about it on Sunday, when I thought 351 people killed in a cyclone was a lot. I researched it a bit, found out that a cyclone was more like a hurricane than I thought, and realized that 351 was not a lot of people.

Monday I read more...the death toll was climbing to about 4,000 and many were missing.
Tuesday still more. Flood waters engulfed cities, people stood in line for hours waiting for a small amount of gas or drinking water.
Wednesday I think the count reached 10,000...with corpses floating in flooded rice fields.
For some reason I couldn't stop reading about this, thinking about the people that are there, going through this hard time. What are they thinking, feeling, fearing. What gives them the strength to keep going, to walk to higher ground, wait for water, scavenge for food?

All this time, the media is talking about how this is the worst natural disaster to hit Asia since the tsunami. But at the same time, the government is not allowing foreign aid into the country. These people who need so much are not getting it because their country is closed. :-( What can I do from halfway across the world?

Can you imagine going through this? I can't. I take for granted my clean drinking water, food, electricity, the internet, and the freedom to give or receive goods from other countries without the government restricting it. Right now I just pray that the people that are still alive in the wake of this storm are able to get the food, water, shelter, and medical treatment they need to survive through it. With the rice fields flooding, I know this will by a difficult year for the Burmese economy, too. Keep them safe, Lord...

Interesting Thoughts

2008-05-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

via Noel:

Learning...

2008-04-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd take a minute and write about what I've been learning, particularly in the past 2 days...I know it's a short amount of time, but I feel like I'm being blindsided (maybe that's what I need...), so I'll write about it.

Here's the context:
I've been reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore since about November (thanks, Hil ;-) )...The chapters are short and I tend to read it in spurts. She writes very well. A quote that stood out last night was this:

"The only way we can love with agape [unconditional love] is to pour everything else from our hearts and ask God to make them pitchers of his agape."

For the past couple weeks, I have also been reading The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg. This is part of a small discussion group through my [new] church..they started it on Ash Wednesday, and met once a week during lent. I started going to the group on Palm Sunday. Lol. Anyway, they are now meeting only once a month, but I want to continue and catch up with the group. I really enjoy the book so far. It's very dense, and requires much chewing (figuratively speaking...although it is a hard-cover book... ;-) ). Anyway, the chapter that I read last night was called, "Training vs. Trying." It was all about how following Jesus is not about trying to be more like him and striving to be more like him (for this means we are doing it by our own power and/or willpower), but it is something to be done through training (and the guidance of the Spirit). Training is different because it provides us with practice in Godly ways to respond in life's circumstances.

"Our primary task is not to calculate how many verses of scripture we read or how many minutes we spend in prayer. Our task is to use these activities to create opportunities for God to work. Then what happens is up to him."

I think that in recent times I have been striving, trying very hard to be more prayerful, more intentional, more loving. What has happened is I've become more irritable, more frustrated, and more exhausted. It's not supposed to be like this.

One more time I have been reminded of training was at church today. My pastor, speaking in the context of Acts 1:6-11 when the disciples were asking Jesus when the time will come for his kingdom on earth, said that we cannot know. We spend much of our lives waiting for one thing or another, thinking, "is it time yet?" What do we do now? Pastor's response was, "Train yourself. Prepare yourself. Right now, are you preparing yourself for what God has in store for you?"

My answer to that? probably not. My big questions of God recently have been "Is it time to move out of Michigan? Is it time to live on my own? Is it time to teach and be solely responsible for a child's education for a whole year?"

It's almost time for at least some of those things...

I need to start training, slowing down and separating myself from the cares of the world in order to train for life's circumstances. I think I need a date night with Jesus...

Feeling Better

2008-04-12T05:45:00.000-07:00

Christian is home from the hospital.

Crazy week is over and now I have time to get more prepared for next week.

All in all, I think we're both feeling better.

There was something else I wanted to say...it escapes me.

What a Day

2008-04-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's me, maybe it's the time of year, but I feel like I'm behind. I feel like I'm out of touch with people's expectations of me and falling short. Again and again.

Every year with school, I start out doing really well, trying really hard, and I succeed. Somewhere toward the middle to end of the school year, though, I get into a groove and by the end I am so worn out that I don't care anymore. Maybe it's just my pride, but I don't want to be known as a girl that does well in the beginning but doesn't follow through. Or someone that slacks and coasts. If I do that when I'm teaching, I'll never survive. The kids will never survive. I want to do more than survive. I want to thrive. I want to encourage and stimulate growth, not just prevent death.

Am I doing the same thing spiritually? Getting into a groove and coasting? I should be asking myself that question more often, I think. How am I challenging myself/trusting God more today than I did yesterday? How am I loving people more than I did yesterday?

I'm tired.

Christian's back in the hospital. Pneumonia, high fever, and abdominal pain. I've never been around during pneumonia season, but I've never seen him this sick. He doesn't seem himself. Doesn't even want to keep his eyes open to chat...Lord keep him safe tonight and may your will be done. Ease his pain, Father, it breaks my heart.

Video

2008-04-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

Well, that didn't work...this one will, though! :-)

This is from a non-profit called D-PAN (the Deaf Performing Artists Network). The organization makes videos connecting sign to music for the deaf and hard-of-hearing community. Here's their most recent video:

Here's the first one I saw of theirs:

ENJOY!

read-aloud

2008-04-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

Here's me reading a story in ASL. It's not the best, but it's something! After looking at it, I know how I can improve (including not second-guessing my spelling abilities...the first 10 seconds have me spelling "the great" and then thinking that I spelling it wrong, so starting over...hahaha)

"In the Water...?"

2008-04-05T07:20:00.000-07:00

I may have mentioned this before, but I thought I'd share a story.

Here I am, sitting in my classroom one morning by myself. The teacher that I work with is pregnant (due in September) and went to get another ultrasound the day before. Our aide just had a baby on March 27th or so. There's the context.

I'm working on the computer, getting ready for the day when one of the other aides from the building comes in. Now, I know her pretty well, but don't talk to her very often. It doesn't really matter that it was her, either, this is just an example. She comes in looking for my teacher because she wants to see how the ultrasound went. Since my teacher's not there, she says that she'll check back later.

Before she leaves, though, she says, "You'd better be careful, Jess. It's in the water."

Can pregnancy be, "in the water?" No.

Do I need to be careful? No, because according to the plan God designed in the beginning, sex should be the culminating intimacy between a man and his wife. I'm not married, therefore, not worried.

I just think it's interesting. That's not the first time I've been told to "be careful. It's in the water," either.

In Transition...

2008-03-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

I seem to have left the blogging honeymoon stage....

It's really hard to believe that this semester is almost over. I have 4 weeks of my internship left. Three weeks of major lead-teaching. Wow. So far, I have completed my entire general education internship, 2 grad classes, and 3/4 of my special education internship and 2 more grad classes. In just four short weeks, I will have another notch in my belt.

In four short weeks college will be over for me, at least for awhile. It'll be time to apply for jobs, interview, and join the "real world" of the work force. True, it's the teacher work force, but it's still the work force (that just means that I get to hang out with kids most of the day instead of sitting in a cubicle). I need to start thinking about budgeting, insurance, bill paying, retirement, and what all of those acronyms in the profession mean. It's scary, but necessary.

Transitioning again...here we go!

So much different....peace?

2008-02-28T18:33:00.001-08:00

My last post, a little over a week ago, was all about being overwhelmed.

I went through a pretty rough week from that post until this past Monday. It was very overwhelming...there were some tears, but there were also nuggets of quiet. Nuggets of rest.

After Monday (after my two big projects were turned in), it felt like there was a weight off my shoulders. I don't know what it is...I'm teaching more. I really love it, though. I think because I busted my butt to get my lesson plans done ahead of time, it was easier to get through this week without going nuts. I also didn't have a lot to do for my classes. That helps. :-)

I'm almost ready for next week, too. :-)
science/social studies
reading
math
shared reading

Everything but writing and the story...

Pretty exciting. :-)

I had my mid-term evaluation today, too...all is well. :-)

Praise God for peace and rest. I'm off for some.

Overwhelmed

2008-02-18T11:18:00.000-08:00

This next month is going to be killer. I am struggling with feelings of anxiety and being overwhelmed. I can't seem to keep everything straight in my head that needs to be done and my time management stinks!

I am struggling with a fear of disappointing my CT and myself. I've talked with my CT about it, and she says that she will tell me if there is something that concerns her, and that I'm too hard on myself. I am. I know that. I always have been. But at the same time, I feel these high expectations burdening my heart. Are they expectations I have of myself, or those I am perceiving from her? In the past week I feel as though I have let someone down...whoever has those expectations. I have been disorganized, behind, unplanned, and generally scattered.

It doesn't help that I don't have internet at my house right now. Anything that I need to do on the internet I need to make sure I remember during the approximate 2 hour window that I schedule to go to either Panera or McDonald's. During the week I can use the internet at school, but not for everything.

How do I get more organized? How do I become more productive? How do I help my memory of everything that I need to do before I leave school on Thursdays in order to prepare for the next week? How am I ever going to be able to do this on my own? (I guess by trying to do it on my own, I will inevitably fail, as in every other thing, but I guess I don't know how to rely on God for these things...it's so different than college, than my own education...)

Needless to say, I'm a bit stressed. I'm trying to give it up, but it's hard. I'm trying to manage my time and stay on top of my assignments, but it's hard. I'm trying to give myself grace, but it's hard. This semester is so much better than last.

Randoms

2008-01-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

Submission: one of two equals choosing to humble him/herself under the authority of the other person (placed by God) in order to bring glory to God. - my paraphrase of the sermon at the church I went to tonight.

Interesting thoughts.

On a completely different note, it's been a very long time since I've posted, although no one really reads anyway, this is more for me...

I've been slacking on writing in general recently. I used to journal a lot...that was normally in place of prayer/writing down my prayers. Now I've started praying more out loud. I don't really care if I look like an idiot talking to myself in my car on the way to/from work...I normally look like an idiot singing along with the radio anyway. ;-)

That cultivating stillness week was pretty awesome...I need to do that again. Cut myself off from the things that facilitate wasting time...

Another one of my friends got engaged. :-)

I love my new placement. I'm realizing that I can do this for a career. I'm finally in the field that I chose (well, the one that God chose for me), and I'm truly loving it. It's still a lot of work, but it's paying off. I'm learning a lot this semester already!

That's all. Forgive me for the lack of depth. :-P

Cultivating Stillness

2008-01-07T18:21:00.000-08:00

"Be still and know that I am God" -Psalm 46:10a

This has always been a difficult verse for me. In context the whole Psalm is about how big God is and verse 10 says that we can be still and know that He is God; He will be exalted.

I know God is big. I mean, there are plenty of other psalms that talk about how God opened his mouth and stars came out (Ps. 33), and other huge things, or in Isaiah when God says His hands stretched out the heavens (Is. 45).

If I know God is big, why can't I be still?

I get easily distracted.

I get easily distracted...

Music.

TV.

Food.

People.

Facebook.

what? Did I say facebook?

The busyness of life distracts me from being still and knowing that He is God. You know one thing you can't do when you're being still and knowing that He is God? You can't think that you are god... You can't be in control.

This next week (and hopefully it will continue) is my experiment in cultivating stillness. Certain distractions have been and will be removed for this week. Others limited. I want to be still.

I want to crave this stillness.

Personality

2007-12-19T14:47:00.001-08:00

To update: I nixed the sewing project, it just wasn't happening. Grades are grades, whatever.

I went to MSD to observe yesterday. SO FUN! I'm excited. :-)

Thanks to Noel I took this random personality test and test of multiple intelligences. I wasn't surprised:

"ISTJs are often called inspectors. They have a keen sense of right and wrong, especially in their area of interest and/or responsibility. They are noted for devotion to duty. Punctuality is a watchword of the ISTJ. The secretary, clerk, or business(wo)man by whom others set their clocks is likely to be an ISTJ."

- ISTJ Profile (TypeLogic)

"ISTJs are very loyal, faithful, and dependable. They place great importance on honesty and integrity. They are "good citizens" who can be depended on to do the right thing for their families and communities. While they generally take things very seriously, they also usually have an offbeat sense of humor and can be a lot of fun - especially at family or work-related gatherings."

- Portrait of an ISTJ (The Personality Page)

"...characterized by decisiveness in practical affairs, are the guardians of institutions, and if only one adjective could be selected, "super dependable" would best describe them."

- The Portrait of the Inspector Guardian (Keirsey)

"...private, does not appreciate strangeness, not adventurous, not spontaneous, follows the rules..."

- Jung Type Descriptions (ISTJ) (similarminds.com)

"At work, ISTJs get things done on a timely basis. They honor deadlines, and they believe in thoroughness. A half-finished joy is not a job well done. They established procedures and schedules, and are uncomfortable with those who do not do the same. ISTJs put duty before pleasure. As long as they can fulfil their responsibilities, they feel useful and thereby satisfied. Their work does not have to be fun, but it has to count toward something productive. ISTJs believe that vacations are something that one takes only when work has been accomplished; thus, at times they do not take vacations even when they could and should."

- ISTJ - The Reliant (Lifexplore)

It also has a list of real ISTJ's...a lot of presidents and (doubting) Thomas. Hmmm... Oh! And Eeyore. ;-)

Arg

2007-12-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

I'm making a present for my step-sister, Becky for Christmas. It's going to be really cool, when it is finished. Right now, though, I am major-ly frustrated. This present requires sewing, and working with fabric that is quite delicate. It requires ironing, and applique-ing. Gross. Why did I decide to do this, you may ask? Because it's going to be very cool when it is finished, and I think she will like it a lot. Right now I'm just having problems with the fabric fraying, the bobbin on the sewing machine not working, and my inconsistencies with a zig-zag stitch are driving me nuts!

Another thing that makes me say, "Arg" right now is my grade for one of my MSU classes. I just found out that I have a 3.5. Some might say, "3.5 in a master's class, great job, Jess!" Not me. I'm frustrated because, even though I didn't put as much work into the end of the class as I did in the beginning, and even though my last assignment wasn't as good as it should have been, I have consistently been one of the first to attempt anything in that class, and one of the few that consistently puts in effort. I'm frustrated because I get a graded paper back that has no negative comments on it, and the score is, "95% - A". Especially when according to the grading scale, 95% is just barely a 4.0. On that grading scale, I don't know that anyone in the class got a 4.0. And I think there are at least 3-4 out of the 15 that deserve it. I guess I should have done better on the last project, which was worth 30% of my grade (I got a B - 85% which is just barely a 3.0). Even on the final grade sheet, the comments read something like this, "Jessica, although your work on the last project was not as strong as the others, I have been consistently impressed by your confidence and abilities. You have the potential of becoming an excellent teacher of the deaf. I look forward to when you are truly my 'colleague' and not just my 'student'." And I got a A-/B+. Whatever.

I guess the bigger question is, "why are you so upset about this?"
Do I really deserve anything?
Did I really earn anything?
Should I be thankful for what I have?
Is there anything I can do to change it? If not, then why worry?

Just my thoughts.

"Fall"

2007-12-11T03:11:00.000-08:00

So I was driving home after a hard day yesterday and changed the radio to a station playing this song. Sounded like God singing right to my heart. I want to fall to Him, nowhere else. It's so easy to seek affirmation from other people and expect them to catch me. God's the one who wants to. I should maybe let him.

Hold up there you go again
Puttin on that smile again
Even though I know you've had a bad day
Doin this and doin that
Always puttin' yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take

But you can only be strong so long before you break

So fall, go on and fall apart

Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear every worry every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that's wrong and all that's right
Lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away

And if you wanna let go baby its okay
Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall

Hold on hold on hold on to me...

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
I'm right here
Baby fall
"Fall" by Clay Walker

"update"

2007-12-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

Some of my friends from summer project asked me for an update, and how I was doing. This is what I came up with. After reading it through again, I realized that it is a pretty good update on how this semester has been for me, and what I have learned. I thought I would share it here, too. (does anyone even read this? lol...I guess if nothing else, it'll be for me to look back on down the line.)

Here is a summary of my first semester of student teaching:
"Time sure has flown.

This semester has been really hard. There are so many days that I don't even realize how hard it is because I'm getting used to it. I don't really like that feeling, though.

Being away from college, the atmosphere, the community, the fellowship of believers that have the same foundation as I do, even the ability to only be taking 12 credits of classes...that's been hard.

Student teaching has been hard, too, because I'm in a general education class (and I don't want to teach general education!) Next semester I'll be in a deaf education classroom, which excites me. :-) My students are really tough, a lot of issues. They are pretty typical of the inner city (not to put anyone in a box, but that gives you some idea of what my students face - minimal parent involvement, broken homes, unemployment, no real push for school work, etc).

I miss friends. I miss Crusade and the depth of study and relationship I learned there.

I've learned a lot. I've learned how to let God into my day as a teacher, how to make more decisions than I can count about things I never thought I would need to decide for another human being (i.e. whether or not they can "hold it" or if they need to "use it" right now). I'm learning how to pray. I'm pretty bad at it, but I'm learning that it's CRUCIAL for me to get through the day. I'm learning how to teach (I suppose...), and how to learn. I'm also learning how hard it is to balance work and school and any type of social life. "

Randoms

2007-12-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

1. I'm jealous that University of Illinois is playing in the Rose Bowl, and that I have friends in the band that are going. (At the same time, though, they have to march the 5 1/2 mile parade route in wool uniforms in sunny California...not so nice). MSU's going to Orlando, too. Times like this make me wish i was still in the band: 4 day paid trip to Orlando! Yay! Go State, Beat the Eagles (Boston College).

2. I got paid today! (from substituting the last time.)

3. I'm subbing 2 days in a row....Monday and Tuesday, and this time I'm planning for them (mostly) myself. *crosses her fingers* *prays* I'm going to try some more hands-on activities and centers to allow the students to work at their own pace since I'm pretty terrible at pacing and all of the (boring) worksheets that they normally do. They just get frustrated with me and with the work and I end up sending kids out of the room or making them cry...neither is a good thing.

4. Only 8 more days at my current school until I'm finished. I am so ready for my next placement in a deaf education setting!

5. Today was the last day of my MSU classes for this semester! Next semester will be quite different, hopefully in a good way...

6. We're throwing my cousin a surprise birthday party this weekend...busyness.

7. My room is trashed.

8. I miss my friends. I don't really have any here. The people I work with are the people I work with. I see them at work and don't really "hang out" with them. The people in my program are either student teaching in different places than me so I only see them on Fridays, or they are at the same school as me, but live in different cities and have busy lives and don't really hang out either. I don't know anyone from church yet. I don't know anyone in this town. I miss my friends.

9. I'm pretty terrible at keeping in touch through phone calls. I'm working on sending out Christmas cards. Hopefully they will be done by the end of this weekend, too. I think I'm over 1/2way done! :-)

10. I feel as though there were more things that I wanted to write, but I guess I'm already on 10, so it might be a good time to stop.

It's been a long time...

2007-11-29T15:27:00.000-08:00

Wow so much has happened since I last posted.

I substituted for my CT twice. Once for a 1/2 day where I had my students in class with me for 3 hours straight. The second time was for the whole day, but I only had my students in class with me for a total of 3 hours during the full day (we had specials, an assembly, and I taught science to the other second grade class).

Let me tell you....
I don't know how my CT does it on Fridays when I'm not there. True, she's been doing it for a lot longer, but so many days we both are doing so much at the same time (one controlling behavior, one teaching the lesson). It's much more difficult when you're the only adult in the room. What's even more frustrating is when the "good" kids act up. Especially the ones that don't act out for my CT, but just for me. Aren't I lucky. My CT thinks it's because he has a crush on me. Weird.

I'm tired of arguing with students that they they can be right and tell me I am wrong. They can't do that! I've started telling them that I'm tired of it...that makes them a little angry. Maybe not the best way to handle it....

I've got to try something new.

Thanksgiving was great. I went to my dad's with the fam and spent 4 days without thinking about school. :-D I didn't go to my mom's, which means I didn't get to see any of "my boys" (aka my friends from high school). That was sad. It's been too long.

I think I'm actually going to send out Christmas cards this year. I must be getting old. I feel like the only way I can keep in touch with some people is a once- or twice-per-year letter. Is that bad? Am I too young to be feeling this way? I'll try it this year and see how it goes. I miss my friends.

I'm in East Lansing right now because I'm headed to Real Life where one of my girls is sharing her testimony of how God has been working in her life. I'm really excited. She's got a great story.

Only 2 weeks of MSU classes left!
Only 3 weeks left at my general education internship site!

Man! This semester has flown by!

Two things...

2007-11-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

I am a city girl. :-)

How do I know this? Yesterday when I was so sick that I didn't want to do anything, but I went to my brother's graduation anyway, I was downtown Chicago. As soon as we stepped outside to walk from the hotel hosting the graduation to the restaurant, I learned how much of a city girl I am. Even when I'm sick, I was energized by the brisk fall air and I just started walking (kinda fast). I knew where I was going, too! :-) As soon as the light changes, I'm walking. One thing I need to learn in the middle of that bustle is to find peace and patience, and to take time to rest. I have a hard time slowing down sometimes, too...

Here's the second thing....kinda kicked my butt today. From the iGoogle application: "Reminders from God" or something like that....
You must not expect to live in a world where all is harmony. It is your task to maintain your own heart-peace in adverse circumstances by relying on Me.

talk about peace...

Crazy

2007-11-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

A few things that are crazy right now:

... teaching
Science (weather)

My own unit plan
Culmination (hopefully) to happen next week
Videotaping my lesson for viewing by my MSU classmates

Math

Pretty structured
Not as many fun activities as I would like

Phonics/reading vocabulary groups

I get very little preparation for this
Kids don't like to work well together

Behavior management

My students are very challenging, and oppositional
I am going to substitute on my own for the first time on Thursday morning...I'm nervous because the kids are so different every day, and have already chased at least 1 substitute away by being so awful.
I started "making deals" with students, encouraging positive behaviors by providing an incentive if they succeed in the behavior for a slotted amount of time. (i.e. If one student calls out a lot in class, his deal is to get something if he can go a whole day without shouting out.

Personal goals (as assessed by my msu teacher...)

Behavior management - finding creative ways to include all students and have them focused
Deliberately using assessments (formal and informal) to modify my teaching
Incorporating and including diverse learners (especially when the extremes are present in the class)

... MSU coursework
Inclusion project re: a child with visual impairments in a mainstream classroom.

Interviews
Observations
HUGE paper at the end exposing my findings

Project re: child with a language problem (writing expression)

Observations
Interviews
Research (for my problem and those of 2 of my classmates)

IEP observation

6 page report re: what happened

Group Inservice (Professional Development) presentation

1-2 hour presentation to "general education teachers" re: having a deaf/hard of hearing student in their classroom
5 members need to collaborate in order to present this

Paper re: my learning breakdowns and development of my learning during the course of the semester

and I think I'm getting sick again....

Positive craziness:
At MSU last week they had an outreach called The Price of Life where they talked about the international slave trade and attempted to raise money for the International Justice Mission. As far as I have heard (this was as of Wednesday night) there have been 55 people who accepted Christ as their personal savior this week! This is very exciting! The angels are rejoicing. :-)

Truth

2007-10-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

"Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

...

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me"
-Casting Crowns "East to West"

I was driving into work today with the radio on, but not really listening because I was too busy praying. You see, yesterday was probably the worst day we have had all year as far as student behavior is concerned. Seven, yes, seven of the boys in our class got in so much trouble during music and gym class that they were standing along the gym wall and had to talk to the principal before they came back to class. I was driving to school, praying for those seven boys, but also for the other students in my class. There are so many that don't have peace in their lives. So many that have little to no self-confidence or self-esteem, and so many that have no stability or structure. I was sitting and praying (and driving) when this song came on and I couldn't continue because I was so engrossed in the song. It fit so well with what I was praying about, also confessing some of my sin...and praying about how I can be more just and fair but loving about all in the classroom discipline. Here comes this song and I tear up.

Jesus, will you show me just how far the east is from the west? That's where your word (psalms, I believe) tells me you separated me from my sin.

From one scarred hand to the other... I got a mental image when I listened to this and thinking about it now conjures the same image. Now I don't know much about the actual geography/topography of the Bible, but I want to learn. I don't know if anyone knows this. The picture in my head, though, is Jesus hanging on the cross, facing North (or south). Therefore, his hands are pointing east and west, respectively. Those wounds are the payment for my sin. That is where it is placed, on Him. Not on me. Jesus knows how far apart those wounds are, but he also knows that they are finished, and they are on Him.

I also really liked the line about His peace getting me through this night....I feel so often that this year is a very long night. I'm having some dark spiritual times because I'm struggling with finding a "home" community here. I'm also in the middle of so many other transitions that it is simply nuts. I need the peace. Fill me.

p.s. Today (even though it was Halloween) was the best day we have ever had, especially with behaviors. :-D Praise God for answered prayers!

It was bound to happen...

2007-10-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sick.

My whole family has been sick for the past 2 1/2 weeks with an awful cough and sinus problems. Christian was sick last week with a terrible stomach bug. Friday I woke up feeling kinda snuffly with a scratchy throat. It was okay for most of the day until I went to a sign social (where I didn't talk hardly at all)...after the social I tried to say (speak) goodbye to my friend and I had no voice! Since then it's been really scratchy and barely there. I hope it comes back before tomorrow because (luckily) I'm not going to teach, but I am going to a Learning Disabilities Association Conference where I am expected to be a "hostess" for one of the sessions, meaning I introduce the speaker and answer procedural questions. If this were a Deaf Educators Conference, I would be okay because I could sign, but most of these teachers don't know sign. :-(

I called my mom back last night because she left me a message. She answered the phone and I said, "Hi, how are you?" Her reply? "Better than you, apparently." My mom is so funny. :-) If it's not better by tomorrow, hopefully it is before Wednesday, otherwise my students are going to learn a lot of sign language.

The World Today

2007-10-17T14:53:00.001-07:00

What is happening?

My school has been broken into 3 times since September 4th.
Windows have been broken (inside and out)
computers have been stolen
Today, while everyone was still in the building, a computer was stolen from the assistant principal's office
Out of my twenty 2nd graders, 5 have anger management problems.

My eyes are really being opened to the sin in this world. There are so many things that these students have been exposed to at such a young age. Things that never even crossed my mind until I was much older. They are being forced to care for their younger siblings because their parents need to work long hours in order to put food on the table. These kids are forced to grow up early. I hope to be able to give them a little of their childhood back at least while they're in my class. My philosophy is developing...my eyes are opening...my heart aches for these kids.

Students Today (College focus)

2007-10-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

Found this on Noel's blog...college students today. Very interesting. Made me think about what the world will be like in the future, by the time my 2nd graders get into college age...

glumbert - A Vision of Students Today

Church

2007-10-12T05:17:00.001-07:00

I think this Sunday I'm going to go to a church that some of my students go to. I'm excited.

That's all. :-)

Real Life

2007-10-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

Last night, for the first time since April (i.e. graduation), I went to a large group gathering of Campus Crusade for Christ at MSU. My Bible study leader/discipler that is also our Assistant Campus Director was giving the talk, and I didn't want to miss it. So, after school I headed to East Lansing. I got here at about 5:30 or so and I went straight to the Business College Complex because I knew the band would be setting up soon, and I wanted to see them.

While I was at state, every Thursday night was spent in the same routine, helping the band setup and practice from 5:30-7:30, Real Life (the large group meeting) then hanging out somewhere afterward. I didn't realize how blessed I was to have that routine, nor how much I miss even the little, seemingly insignificant portions of Thursday nights from college.

I walked in as the band was warming up/practicing. I helped troubleshoot the sound board, ;-) visited for a couple seconds, and then just sat back and took it all in. It was great to see people that were new last year taking leadership roles. The guy that I 'trained' in sound was training someone new. :-) I miss it. I miss the 3 1/2 hours that I gave on Thursday nights to the Lord, for praise, worship, singing, learning, and fellowishipping. I miss the people. I was really blessed to have been involved for as long as I was. I hope to continue to be connected to that community, while at the same time I'm seeking my own community in Flint (at least for this year).

The talk was great, too. ;-) The thing that struck me the most, though, was the community. Praying together, singing together, living. This is Real Life.

Celebrating Small Successes

2007-10-09T14:58:00.001-07:00

Today went pretty well. :-)
That's a big thing.

So far the main thing that I've been teaching has been phonics and math. I'm starting to learn how to get the kids excited about the (boring) phonics readers. I just need to keep finding ways to connect it to their lives and make it real for them. The kids are at such different levels that it's hard to do the same or even similar things with all of them. This week I planned 3 different lessons for the 3 different ability groups using the same book. I went through 2 of them today (low and middle) and I need to do 2 tomorrow (high and another middle). They went alright. Some of the kids are just not interested in being a part of the group. I don't yet know how to help them engage when they are having a rough day.

The math lessons that I've been leading are more review than lessons, but it counts nonetheless. ;-) Monday I led them in a game, too, which went fine. The behaviors were pretty good on Monday, too. Today was a different story as far as behaviors were concerned (we had a talk about how to behave in the hallway, there were a couple of almost fights...), but the math calendar lesson went well. :-) It started as a mistake. We didn't have enough copies made of the sheet...I trusted that my CT had made them (which she did)...we just didn't have them all in the right place. So, I improvised. She made the copies and I explained to the class what happened and said that I was going to pick a "super helper" for the day to sit in the teacher chair and use their paper with the document reader. I even let him call on some students to help him with certain problems. (I picked one of the kids that isn't always completely engaged...it forced him to pay attention, and he did a great job!) The other kids liked it, too, I think...and we are going to do it again tomorrow. I also started this, 'if you're doing the right thing you can put a smiley face on the top of your paper'. So tomorrow I need to reward the ones that had smileys on the top of their papers (all of them) to start the positive reinforcement for being on task and getting their work done well. Overall, it was a good day. :-). I thought I would talk about the positive for once.

Alright, time for dinner and then a lot of homework tonight. <3

Everything

2007-09-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

So far I've been told by 2 different people to watch this video. I did today. Turn the sound up and watch it. It's good.

God Winks

2007-09-22T18:19:00.000-07:00

Cool story: "God Wink" :-)
I went to Beaner's yesterday after class, because I thought Mandy might be working, and I wanted to have a "date night with Jesus" where I just read my Bible a little and journaled about what was going on in my life/prayed. I showed up there at about 6:15 and didn't end up leaving until 9:30! Funny thing is: I didn't read or journal hardly at all! When I first got there, before I even walked in, I saw the front page of yesterday's Tribune: "Lending Ears to Learners" with a photo of a deaf child with a cochlear implant above the fold! I was shocked and so I obviously had to buy it (even though my grandma probably saved it for me anyway) to see what it said.

I wasn't impressed, but that's another story for another time. Basically I just think that parents and deaf individuals need to make their own decisions. They can't rely on research that is skewed one way or another, and they need to hear both sides of the story, not just one biased view toward oral education and speech training or sign language instruction.

Anyway, off the soap box....
So I was sitting reading, and Mandy comes up to me and asks if I can help her sign. I met a deaf man that was at the coffee shop waiting for a friend, but can't get back into his car, because the door is broken. I make some phone calls, but most of the places that'll be able to help were closed because it was almost 7:00 on a Friday night. He then left to go get some food, but I stayed...I learned during this time that there was going to be a Deaf Social gathering at 7:30 or so, and I met some interpreters in training from LCC and a Deaf man from NC. :-)

I decided to join them (of course) instead of keeping to myself, and I had a great time chatting with everyone there. There were so many MSU deaf ed'ers there, too! That made me proud. :-) Turns out that the friend the man with the broken car was waiting for was my friend that I tutored last year! We all chatted after awhile and thought it was funny how everything all connected. :-) We got the situation resolved, finally, by calling a tow company that couldn't get the door open (which would have cost $45), but ended up breaking the window (for free!). Another funny thing about this whole situation is that the guy that came to try to fix the car/open the door is in the same criminal justice program at LCC as a friend of mine, and he's starting to learn ASL soon...maybe in January. :-) It's a small world. :-)

I loved it. I really did. It's good to have some reassurance that my passions are still where I'm headed. Help me, Lord, find out where my passions specifically lie and how they can be used for your kingdom.

Settling Down

2007-09-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm already finished with 3 weeks of school! It's hard to believe that so much time has passed already, but at the same time I can't believe that so much has happened in the past 3 weeks.

Things are settling down, which is a good thing. It's becoming a lot more comfortable being in the classroom, I'm learning my role a bit more, and I think my CT and I are learning to communicate a bit better. Oberall, i think my big stress week was really a lot of emotions coming togetehr and making it seem worse than it really was because it was so new. Now that I'm starting to have more of a routine, life is much more consistent.

Let's see. The elementary school is good. :-) It is still challenging, especially managing behavior in the classroom. I just don't have the experience yet, and there are 21 kids, so it's hard. I'm learning as I go. We have some difficult students, but I think their main problems are that they are frustrated. Of our 21 students, 15 are below grade-level in reading. 10 of them are 2 grade levels behind. This makes for difficulty when we want them to work on something independently. If they can't read the directions, the numbers, anything, they get frustrated and don't want to do it. Other problems are stubbornness and anger management, but they are also in process.

Things I'm learning about myself in all of this school process are vast. I'm learning how I naturally react to problems in the classroom, and whether or not that is effective. I'm getting to see how my personality fits into the routines we have established, and how I might start things in my own classroom. By observing other teachers, I'm also seeing the wide array of options available...we really don't need to "recreate the wheel"...there are SO MANY good ideas that we can share with each other! It's not going to be about what new and creative idea I use. It's going to be more about how I use what I've seen to be effective in a way that fits my personality and teaching style. I've also seen my sinfulness, and that of the world as a whole... I just get angry or frustrated/irritated sometimes. I react in ways that I know I do not want to react, but they are what come out first. I know there will be some sanctification in process, and I'm starting to learn what Jason meant when he said God was teaching him a lot about patience his first year teaching...

College is also going well. The two classes are so different, but the concepts that we are discussing really are connecting. For example, yesterday in class 1 (our "collaboration" class) we talked about problem solving. Certain problems (especially when it comes to educational placement of a child) are "ill-defined," meaning they have no clear-cut solution. Those are the hardest to solve collaboratively, because there are so many other options/ideas to weigh and discuss. We practiced this in role-playing. Then, in class 2 (our "language development" class), we are collaboratively problem-solving. We are working on case-studies involving real teachers, students, and parents, creating a wiki where we can share our research and proposed solutions as well as discuss the outcomes of whatever interventions occur. It's really cool, but completely different than any other class we have been in. I like it when things connect, though. :-) Our other "class" is a seminar, and this week we had a speaker about behavior management. It was good! I learned a lot, and got some more ideas about how to start things when I have my own classroom.

Outside of elementary school and college, life is good. I don't do a whole lot, but I'm hoping to get involved in a church pretty quick. There are 2 options so far that seem realistic and potentially where God wants me, but I don't know which one yet. I'm actually just going to one for the first time tomorrow. :-) The first (that I went to last weekend: The River) is a church that seems very similar to Riverview, which would be good. I even met a couple that are about my age.... The second (that I will go to tomorrow: Lighthouse Chapel) seems really cool because the services are in ASL, and the pastor is Deaf. I'm excited, even though the pastor won't be there tomorrow, I'll at least get to experience it a little bit. :-) I'll keep you posted on what I learn.

I think that might be all....
I have a lot that I need to do this weekend, but I know it'll all get done. God bless, and have a great night!

Emotional Overload

2007-09-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

I've finished week one of my internship. And what a week it was.

I don't know if it's hormones or what, but I've been exceptionally emotional this week. Wednesday was the first full day for students, and it was a stressful day for them. Almost at the same time, 3 boys were in tears. The first was because he is a perfectionist (yes, he's an 8-year-old perfectionist) and was not finished with the first worksheet when the second was handed to him. The second child that cried was because he was either feeling very sick or pretending to feel very sick so as to not do his work (yes, we have an actor on our hands). The third was a boy that all of the teachers have been telling us is problematic. He does have anger management issues, but I've noticed that it starts with him being frustrated that he cannot keep up with the pace of the class. This was the case on the first full day of school. I went to talk to him, to see what was wrong, but he had completely shut down. My CT (cooperating teacher, the "real" teacher in the classroom) was able to talk to him and let him know it's okay to catch up later. Another girl came up to me matter of factly and said, "We had a house fire yesterday," then proceeded to explain it as though it's no big deal

Needless to say, when I got home, I was beat. There are so many emotions that fly in the
classroom during the day. It mentally drained me, and I am not even in charge of anything yet! The kids are starting to wonder what my role is in the classroom, and I am too. ;-)

I came home Wednesday and made the mistake of reading through the Intern Handbook with all the expectations listed. I just really feel as though I'm not there and never will be there. I know that this year is a process and I'm not supposed to be there yet, but it still stressed me out to read all that is expected of me this year. I cooled down by walking on a treadmill while I read for my classes. :-)

Thursday I learned that my CT expects me to start teaching math on Monday. Wow. Her other interns have taught math from the beginning, so I suppose I will, too. In that regard, I feel prepared and unprepared at the same time. My CT has given me so many ideas that her other interns have used. All are good ideas. On one hand I want to use the ideas, because they are good ones. On the other hand I don't want to use them, because then I'm copying off former interns. I don't know what she expects of me, so my mind is conflicted.

Add up those two different areas of expectations vs. reality and add my graduate classes that each have their own expectations. That equation equals Jess having a minor breakdown on Friday while talking to my Field Instructor (professor that comes to observe me teach). I just needed to cry! Friday was a rough day, but I was able to sit down and have a date with Jesus at Beaner's later that night, and get a lot of what I had been repressing out. I had a good cry, a good pray, and some reassurance from the words of Jeremiah. It was good. I need to do that more often, be more real with my emotions and get them out in spoken words to God and to people! So often I have a loop of unasked questions in my head playing over and over again because they are questions that I am eager to have answered from someone, but I am afraid to ask for some reason or another. Most often they seem silly, or they are to be addressed to someone that I am unsure of my standing with. (does that make sense?). I guess the first step is getting more comfortable with myself and just asking the questions without regard to how it will make me seem/sound. Lay down the pride and self-deprication.

Today was another tumultuous day. I tried to go to church at His River in Holly. I got off the wrong Holly Rd. exit, and then proceeded to follow the road, thinking I would eventually find where I needed to be. By the time I gave up, turned around and continued on the right way, I made it to church a half hour late. Arg. This prompted another semi-break, where I realized that I do need people. I need to first rely on God, but I do need community, too. We were not created to live this life alone. Again, I don't know if it's hormones or something that's been repressed and coming out all of a sudden, but I've been feeling very alone recently, even if I'm with people. I think it's because I've been in deep authentic community with people that share my values and worldview, and that is not what I have now. I know that I can begin to create it and seek it out, but I still miss it.

Goals for this week:
No guilt for study/planning breaks
seek community (actually make it to His River next week, email about Bible studies?)
create authentic community by asking real and intentional questions
time to breathe, to be alone with God, and to PRAY

Transition

2007-09-01T13:47:00.000-07:00

I'm in the midst of this huge transition in my life and it's hard to get a grasp on pretty much anything right now. Here are some of the ways I'm transitioning:

From Student to Teacher:
I've spent the past 17 years learning how to be a good student. I've learned what needs to be done and what doesn't, how to get along with pretty much any teacher, and how to manage my time/balance a whole courseload and a life. Now, I'm in graduate classes where I'm still a student trying to learn and get a good grade. At the same time, though, I'm a "Teacher Intern" which means I'm being apprenticed in how to teach. I'm spending time observing, teaching, learning. I don't really know what my role is.

From Independent to Dependent:
Not dependent in a negative context, by any means. I'm moving from being in college and living with college students (or for the past year, by myself), to living with my grandma, aunt, uncle, and cousin. Life is considerably different in this house, and many times I'm just trying to be considerate and I step on someone's toes, or I don't do my own work. I'm learning a balance between family time and "me" time, and learning to really rely on God. I need to be dependent on him. In a very real sense. I think a lot of times, and especially as I have gone through college, I have learned to rely a lot on people as opposed to God. Even in my independence last year, I still maintained my friendship support skeleton. This year, that social construct is not as freely accessible, because I'm not in town. My reliance needs to be on God.

From College Ministry to Lifelong Ministry:
In the past 4 years I have gotten very comfortable with campus ministry. I've been a regular attendee at a church in the area, gone to and led weekly Bible studies, attended weekly meetings, met new people wherever I went, and conducted surveys in the dorms. If I could be comfortable doing anything right now, I think that would be it. But that's not where God has me right now. He has me in Flint Community School District, teaching 29 second graders how to read, write, and compute. He has me in a place of influence over their love of learning, and their future. It's a heavy responsibility. I'll be surrounded by students or teachers all day, unsure of whether or not God's name is acceptable inside the school walls. I'm learning how to be bold, and how to just live life with people that are not my age and are not just like me. I want to understand the kids. I want to listen to them, learn from them, encourage them. I'm learning.

I think that's all for now. I'm also looking for a church and will be learning what it means to be a member of a church instead of just a regular attendee. It's going to be a challenging year. :-)

Hope

2007-08-15T19:15:00.001-07:00

So this is something that I've been learning about, and have wanted to post about for almost 2 weeks now... here goes nothing. :-)

"Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane" -Red, Shawshank Redemption
"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies" -Andy Dufresne, Shawshank Redemption

Last week my friends quoted the second of the Shawshank quotes, a familiar movie although I have never seen it the whole way through, and an even more familiar quote.

On the last night of my summer project to Chicago (meaning, 3 1/2 weeks ago...), we were sitting by the Shedd Aquarium, overlooking the city. Our project director asked us what we had learned while we were in Chicago that we would take home with us. For the first time of actually processing it and putting it into words, this is what I came up with:

I love the city. I really do. I've learned that. I've also learned that there are a lot of broken people that think they have no hope in this world. It breaks my heart, but it's true. God has so much hope for them! He knows that it is possible for them to change, for him to work in their lives and save them from hopelessness and despair. He loves them so much! I also learned that I lose hope for people. There are many people that I meet or interact with that I think, "they will never change. They don't and never will see their need for God, so why should I even go there." Problem is, God has hope for them, too. He has changed my life. He has changed my heart. I once had no hope for myself and God didn't give up on me! He doesn't give up on others, either. He will keep pursuing them. There is still hope. "no good thing ever dies..."

Since I was thinking about that more over the past few weeks, I decided to do a Bible study on what hope we have, and what hope we don't have. Another thing that brought this up was the suicide attempt of someone close to me, and hearing about one of a friend of a friend (does that make sense?). I thought about what it would be like to not want to live. That feeling must stem from a lack of hope. I mean, if this is all there is; if this life is it, who would want to stick around? Let's be real, this life sucks sometimes. If this is as good as it gets, that is not something that we can cling to. So what is there? What keeps people going? What makes my life different?

Hope

From my study, there are 6 things we can definitely put our hope in (that is, if a person claims to be a follower of Christ). The first is the Word. The second, God's unfailing love. The third, the Lord. The fourth, the glory of God. The fifth, salvation. The sixth, eternal life. The Bible also talks about what not to put our hope in: wealth, our possessions, this life. Let me share with you some of the scripture that I found, and let it speak for itself.

"A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our sheild. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:17-22

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130:5-6

"[God's] pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love." Psalm 147:10-11

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will sour on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

Colossians 1: 24-27

"But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope of salvation as a helmet." 1 Thessalonians 5:8

"Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love..." 1 Corinthians 13:13

"This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we labor and strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe." 1 Timothy 4:9-10

"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment." 1 Timothy 6:17

Titus 1:1-3

Hebrews 6 talks about hope being an "anchor for the soul, firm and secure."

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

There are more references to hope, and there are many more words that I could put along with these verses to explain what I'm thinking about them. What I wanted to do, though, is to get this out there and urge those reading (if there are any!) to dig through the contexts of these verses, too. What should we hope in? What should we hope for? What's the difference? What shouldn't we hope in? Why is this important to understand and cling to?

Believing God

2007-08-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

Something I learned last year from a Beth Moore Bible study series is that there is a difference between believing in God and believing God. The first is no small feat to begin with. For some it is quite a stretch for them to even begin to believe in God, the creator of the universe, and further to accept that His Son Jesus Christ came to earth, lived and chose to die and become the perfect sacrificial lamb to pay for all of the sins of the world. All the imperfect things that I have done in the past and that I will do in the future deserve death. Yours, too. Someone has to pay that price. Jesus chose to pay it for us, and because he rose from the dead, it is finished. We can have a relationship with God. Believing in God, believing those truths...not a small feat.

Even more is believing god. This believing is present-active participle. This means continually believing. It means making a choice every minute to believe. This is a powerful kind of belief. To trust what God says in his Word. To believe that he is the same God that rose Jesus from the dead, that separated the Red Sea, that created the universe. The same God of the Old Testament. The same God of the miraculous healings in the New Testament. To believe that God for what he says. That's a feat.

I want to have that kind of faith. I want to do more than believe in God. I want to believe God. I want to trust him. I want to live my life knowing that he has a perfect plan for me. I know it's not always going to be easy. I know there will be hard times, hard decisions, even times when I doubt and feel as though I am completely alone. I want to have a foundational faith, though, that is able to hold me up during those times like nothing else can. I've learned that everything else will fail me. God will endure. He doesn't change. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

As I embark on a new phase of my life I feel like I'm leaving everything that I know. I have been a student for the past 16 years. (or so). I have been involved in campus ministry for the past 3 1/2 years. In 15 days or so I will begin the transition from being a student to being a teacher. I don't know how to be a teacher. I don't know what I'm supposed to bring to the first day of meetings, I don't know what I'm supposed to do in the classroom, I don't even know what the curriculum is! I'll be taking graduate level courses. Wow. I can't even believe that. I won't be involved in campus ministry. I'm looking for a church, and hoping to be involved to a certain degree, whatever my schedule will allow. One thing I do know is that my ministry is going to look very different. My ministry is my life. It's not my job. It's not my nights and weekends hobby or activity. It's not something I do. Who I am is derived greatly from who Jesus is. I want to be like Jesus to the kids that I teach, to my co-workers, to my classmates. I want to love them like God does, to serve them the way Jesus would, and to explain where my hope comes from. May I always have an answer for the hope that I have. May I see people the way God sees them. May I love because I was first loved by Him. My cup overflows, and out of that overflow, may I speak and serve. These are my prayer requests for the beginning of this new journey.

Since I'm starting a new journey, and since I'm "growing up," I thought I would put Xanga aside and move into Blogger (again and anew). So, here we go!